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Scott Brown's Hit List

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1. Jessica Biel will climb Mount Kilimanjaro to raise awareness of world water crisis; boyfriend Justin Timberlake may join
At the summit, it is hoped their combined hotness will melt the snows, releasing thousands of gallons of potable water.

2. Kirk Cameron defends statements linking Darwin to Hitler, the Holocaust, and misogyny
When asked to defend The Growing Pains Movie, however, he pleaded the Fifth.

3. Some at CNN want Seacrest to succeed Larry King
Others note that with what they’d spend on one night of Seacrest, they could pay to have Glenn Beck ”disappeared.”

4. Young boys in India climb trees to get a view of Julia Roberts
According to market research, Duplicity is a big hit with children of Indian mango farmers.

5. Pam Anderson’s keister pops out of her dress in New Zealand — for the second time
This is more than a coincidence, New Zealand. She likes you. Ask her to coffee.

6. Sherri Shepherd says her 4-year-old son likes to flirt with Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s 4-year-old daughter
”Although,” Shepherd admits, ”she’s a little conservative for his tastes.”

7. Joe Jonas appears to be moving out of the Jonas house
Aw, snap. Nick did it, didn’t he? He ate that last Hot Pocket, even though it was clearly labeled ”Joe.”

8. Bruce Willis says he won’t use Twitter
But Bruce: ”Yippee-ki-yay, motherf — -er” is so eminently re-tweetable!

9. Natalie Imbruglia, prior to guesting on reality show, reveals she turned down other reality shows
”It’s just too dangerous,” she said, adding, ”I have to make it to the 25th anniversary of ‘Torn.’ We’ve already booked the auditorium at the Y.”

10. Now a busy mom, Angie Harmon misses those boring moments
If she’s that hard up, I’ve got a few particularly tedious Law & Order reruns she can have back.

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