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Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 18, 2009

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1. Oprah to appear in Central Park
She’ll be doing acoustic covers of Deep Purple over by the ball fields. The hat’s on the ground for a reason, folks.

2. Keanu Reeves plays a Swedish pop-music producer in new Web series
This item is really making me rethink last night’s webcam chat with that suspiciously hot Nordic chick. Come to think of it, she did say ”Whoa!” a lot.

3. Jennifer Garner says Ben Affleck will tell her when she looks fat in her jeans
She, in turn, will remind him that he starred in Gigli. And that, my friends, is love.

4. Backstage at the VMAs, Robsten giggle at Gaga’s outfit
I don’t think you get to giggle at anything, no matter how made-of-coconut-shavings it is, if you are an entity known as ”Robsten.”

5. Producer claims Darwin biopic is having trouble finding a U.S. distributor because of evolution content
They’re considering adding a new Clue-style multiple ending, including one where God shows up and says, ”I did it.”

6. Simon Cowell claims he was joking when he said the Beatles might not have made the cut on American Idol
To be fair, though, I think that whole ”American” part might’ve tripped them up a bit.

7. Spielberg vows not to give up on Lincoln movie just because Robert Redford is making one
Instead, he plans to offer Robert Redford one night with Kate Capshaw if he’ll just walk away.

8. George Clooney, going solo in Toronto, appears to miss his girlfriend’s 31st birthday
He later apologized, saying he’d mistaken it for an expiration date.

9. Kate Gosselin wants her own version of The View
She’s already started dressing up Collin and Joel as Whoopi and Elisabeth.

10. Michael Moore may stop making documentaries
Finally, the technology exists for a Canadian Bacon sequel, and he can stop slumming.