HEY GEORGE CLOONEY,
YOU ARE FAT
AND SUCK AT BASKETBALL
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE REMOVED YOUR SHIRT!
What? Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just trying a new celebrity crush-baiting technique I learned from Annette Sharp, the gossip columnist for Australia’s Daily Telegraph: After publishing a column snarking on Russell Crowe for a bicycle workout including cigarettes and a taco break (wait, is that wrong?), she suddenly found herself contacted by the star’s publicist and challenged to pistols at dawn in the form of a 20km bike ride. Her newsroom wisely videotaped much of the proceedings — in which Crowe glides smoothly through the streets of Sydney, and Sharp huffs sweatily in his wake — although they somehow missed getting footage of their coworker taking a header off said bike and into the mud. Undocumented as it may be, methinks that moment will likely live on in Russell’s memory for a long, long time.
Anyway, in addition my desire to go one-on-one with Clooney (if you know what I mean), this little story makes me think how great it would be if every time a celebrity felt wronged by the media, said celebrity decided to take out the grievance in a sporting arena. Horrifically untalented film director Uwe Boll already does this, challenging critics (and fellow directors) to boxing matches. But what if more celebs took up the charge? This could be like Battle of the Network Stars meets American Gladiators, with a side order of TMZ TV. Lindsay Lohan challenges paparazzi to a bar crawl! Kanye West goes best two out of three with anyone who didn’t think his last record was an A++! (SQUID BRAINS!!) Ryan Seacrest could host, because he is Switzerland. I smell a hit, PopWatchers!!
What celebs would you like to bait into a physical challenge? What columnists are asking for a smackdown? And would you watch this stuff if it was televised?