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Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of August 14, 2009

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1. Jessica Simpson, in Tokyo, tweets about Japanese earthquake: ”I have never felt anything like this in my life. Laying in bed watching CNN”
See, I feel that way every time Wolf Blitzer comes on. I can’t explain it. He makes the earth move.

2. Kathy Griffin hits Teen Choice Awards with Levi Johnston on her arm
Oh, please procreate! If only so we can witness the awkwardness of a full Palin-Johnston-Griffin family gathering.

3. Jenna Fischer doesn’t wear her engagement ring to work at The Office because she’s afraid it might get stolen
Yeah, that’s the same reason my ”cool” uncle Stingo doesn’t wear his when he hangs out in bars.

4. Joel Madden says Nicole Richie’s cravings come at 2 or 3 a.m. and usually involve burgers
I recognize these symptoms. I must conclude that I, and most dudes I know, have been pregnant for the last 15 years.

5. Sideburned, blinged-out Jon Gosselin: ”It’s not a midlife crisis”
”Not until I drive to Burning Man in a candy-apple-red Dodge Viper. And that’s for next season.”

6. Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps to star Frank Langella, Michael Douglas
The tagline: ”Greed is old.”

7. Lady Gaga shows off her new Rilke tattoo
This makes Katy Perry’s Goethe body-brand look soooo 1806.

8. Brooks & Dunn are done
Well, there goes my weekend. I’ve got about 50 posters to cut in two.

9. Sienna Miller’s breasts were burned on the set of G.I. Joe
Don’t tell me that woman hasn’t suffered for her art.

10. Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich paid to perform as an Elvis impersonator
This sets a dangerous precedent. I mean, have you seen Mark Sanford’s Christopher Walken impression? Just terrible.