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'Dating in the Dark': Is that your surfboard or are you just happy to not see me?

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Dark_blacksquare This week in Unfortunate Developments: I’ll probably be watching Dating in the Dark all summer. After last week’s hour-long reminder of how even fairly attractive people end up looking like goblins in night vision, I thought I could stay away. That turned out to be not true. There are simply too many fascinatingly awkward and/or awful elements to this show, and I’m constantly changing my mind about how dumb it is. Every time I want to die inside, something happens to make me stick around.

For example, last night, the contestants rummaged through each other’s suitcases, MTV’s Room Raiders-style. “Ooh, 34-C! Healthy, right there.” “Size 4, buddy, read it and weep! Curvy!” Disgusting. But then Matt — who puts looks first and said so about seven times — brought a surfboard to his darkroom date with Megan, basically so that he could measure her “thickness” with his paws as she wiggled around. Again, gross, but as the date progressed, it actually seemed like the two were having an excellent time. They bantered like old marrieds, and she ended up mounting him in full heat under the pretense of the assigned activity, “giving a massage.” So I, too, was back on board. Similarly, I hated that Chrystee kept interrupting the flow of her dates with Jason to pray (yes really), because he was so clearly uncomfortable with it. But then I noticed that contestant Doug looked a lot like Jason Bateman, and as he fed his date Lindsey a hot dog in the dark, he said “Cool. Bite hard. Bite hard.” My cringe became a grin. The love-hate dichotomy occurs with all reality TV, I know, but on this one it’s a bit more heightened.

So it appears I’m in it to win it with this social-experiment s***show, in which no one is exactly a “winner” and if you both decide to meet up on the balcony, you’re apparently committing to a long-term relationship. (What?!?!?!) Is anyone else in this with me for the long haul?

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