I just caught the Disney Channel’s Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana, having never seen a full episode of The Wizards of Waverly Place, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, or Hannah Montana. Friday’s premiere was a 90-minute “crossover event” with all of the characters interacting! It was like the shows were braided together. Or fishtailed! But no, because fishtails only require two pieces of hair and there were three elements of this important television event. Below, an appropriately Tiger Beat-sponsored sample. Justin “blue-ing himself” in the hot tub: a latent Arrested Development reference? Ha, as if.
Honestly, it was kind of fun and endlessly enlightening, on a professional level, to zone out to this tripe for 90 minutes as I lazily trolled the Internet for weird pictures of food. I finally got to hear “Pwned” used in a sentence. I began to understand the appeal of Selena Gomez. I took in about 17 long-ass promos for what will surely be the greatest 3-D movie about gerbils, G-Force, during which Tracy Morgan impersonated the most sedated mad scientist in history. The viewing experience reminded me of when I used to eagerly sit through the full lineup of ABC’s “TGIF” in the early ’90s — I didn’t (couldn’t!) realize at the time how mediocre the canned-laughter comedy was, because it truly did seem fun. Like our moms and aunts with their soap operas, these were “our stories”; I loved the routine of it all. Who would host the cool-girl sleepover at her house that Friday so that we could belt out the Six Flags-set opening credits to Step By Step in not-exactly unison? (Usually me: I knew how to make smoothies!) So I don’t begrudge die-hard fans of Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana. I get it. I mean, the adult in me wants to say what Hannah apparently says every 10 seconds…”Come on!” [Exaggerated eye roll! Seriously, does she need to make an “I’m so zany” face after every utterance?] But at the same time, I can see a younger version of myself TOTALLY LOVING THIS.
So listen up, kids and parents. I see you on Twitter, flipping out about how you missed the show. You didn’t! Wizards on Deck airs again tonight at 7 ET and Sunday at 5, and a lot more times after that. You don’t have to miss out on a Paris Hilton knockoff named London Tipton, or the visual feast of Billy Ray Cyurs splayed out on a cruise ship bed looking like three miles of bad road. (I know he was supposed to be seasick, but the guy looked and sounded wasted the entire time and I just wanted him to grab a lukewarm cheeseburger, wave it around, and complete the transition to David Hasselhoff already.)
Are you on board, or are you on bored? If you can tolerate that sentence, I believe it is the former. Ahoy.