Andy Cohen, you know I love you and how your body does a slight jump whenever confronted with serious ridiculousness (as when darling Dina explained that her cat smells like french fries and is a dead ringer for her grandma who tanned and smoked too much). When Dina — who was on a roll last night! — explained that she has turned a gay man straight before, you cocked your head in your patented amused/ever-so-slightly disdainful fashion.
But Andy, you’re killing me. Danielle says her kids only reacted negatively to the show once. And you didn’t ask when? Or push her about her 15-year-old not understanding the concept of phone sex. Or push the conversation about Danielle and Jacqueline’s suddenly frosty relationship. Or, most egregiously, you let Caroline jab her finger at Danielle and accuse of the ultimate betrayal and then you never prodded any of them to spill. What was the betrayal that brought Caroline to tears? Did it involve Dina’s husband? Did it involve a botched hit placed by one of Danielle’s dozen fans on Grandma Wrinkles? Caroline’s crying, Danielle’s playing dumb, all of the other Housewives are nodding their heads in weary agreement, and you need to try to end the show on a happy note??? For shame, Andy!
Danielle did her best to woo book publishers throughout the anticlimactic finale. To his credit, Andy did push her to acknowledge her relationship with a big-time Colombian cartel drug dealer, but she just said “Wait for the book, I have a book as well.” Of course you do, sweetheart. Though it sounds like it will be filled with bad memories of burlesque costumes and bong hits. And chapter 8 will not involve her sitting on anybody’s lap, that’s for sure.
In the end, Danielle just wants to be loved. In a speech oddly reminiscent of Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, she told the women, “This is just me here sitting here telling you you’re really all very blessed.” She’s just a girl who wants a slumber party with Dina, y’alls. Dina graciously accepted her apology, while insisting the two wouldn’t be meeting for dinner anytime soon. Caroline looked like she wanted to choke her with pink lucite beads. Jacqueline looked like she’d started going into labor, with baby Nicholas’ right toe starting to creep out the side of her neck. And Teresa just sat there with a half-smile, waiting for the cameras to stop rolling so she could ask Andy Cohen if he’d ever met anyone famous.
What did you Jersey fans think? Please tell me that you once and for all have fallen for Dina? What do you think Danielle must have done to earn Caroline’s wrath? Will you tune in for a Season 2?