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Mini Doc Jensen: 'Lost' meets 'Land of the Lost'

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Attention,Lost fans! Planning on seeing Will Ferrell’s comic remake of the kid cultclassic Land of the Lost this weekend? Then here’s something fun for you tothink about—maybe more fun than the movie itself, which hasn’t received thebest of reviews. One of my favorite Lost bloggers out there, a guy who postsunder the handle Vozzek69, has posted a pretty extensive comparison of Lost tothe original Land of the Lost. It’s an entertaining read, and when you get tothe stuff about time loops in the episode called “Circle,” you realize thatLand of the Lost was pretty heady for Saturday morning kid pop. Certainly moreentertaining than your average Smurfs episode.

Andspeaking of my colleague Michael Ausiello, I’m sure many of you have beenreading his ongoing coverage today of the new ABC promo featuring Dominic “Charlie Pace” Monaghanplaying foosball with Patrick Dempsey of Grey’s Anatomy and Courteney Cox andEd O’Neill, each of whom will be headlining new ABC sitcoms this fall. Likemany of you, when I saw the promo, it got my wheels turning—and it reminded me of the Ghost Claire theory I shared with Michael’s readers the other day. It also reminded me anew of my promise, as yet unfulfilled, to file one more Doc Jensen column thatoffers some theories about Season 6. Alas, this column is not yet complete—just as the fabled last episode of “Totally Lost” remains unfinished. This epic comic fantasia—involving extravagant specialeffects, a strange film-within-a-film, and a complex narrative structure thatmight be likened to David Lynch’s Lost Highway meets Ed Wood’s Plan 9 FromOuter Space—is still in post-production, and we ain’t letting it out until we getsit right! Although personally, I like the idea of never putting out, and havingit fade away into legend—the fabled “lost episode” of “Totally Lost”…

Nah, we’dnever do that to you. We’ll get you Doc Jensen—which is a sprawling magnumopus—and “Totally Lost” to you…soon. Until then, a sneak peek at the columnitself, which will include a number of scenarios by which the castaways in theDharma/Jughead past will make their way back to the Ajira-era present. Forexample:

SCENARIO NUMBER ONE: DEUS EX JACOBINA!

Jacob saved all the castaways trapped in the past that he hadvisited and touched earlier in their lives. (In other words, everyone exceptMiles and Juliet.) The Incident should have obliterated them. Instead, we willsee that they were instantaneously transported by Jacob’s magic to The Island.When will they materialize? The moment of Jacob’s death. Where will theymaterialize? Negotiable. Perhaps they will all manifest at the site of TheSwan. More likely, they will be scattered across The Island. I like the ideathat they will manifest in the place they were at the moment that they werezapped to the Dharma past. Per this scenario, Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sayidwould awaken inside the fuselage of Ajira 316 currently parked on Hydra Island,while Sawyer and Jin would find themselves at the old well, not far from theremains of the Four Toed Statue.

DID JULIET CHANGE THE TIMELINE? In thisscenario, the question could be irrelevant, at least for theJacob-touched castaways.

DOC JENSEN LIKES THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE… of itsrelative simplicity. The concept is as easy to grasp as “Beam me up, Scotty.”It could also preserve existing continuity and ongoing character arcs anddoesn’t ask the audience to cramp their brains with time-reboot logic. It alsofeeds one of Lost’s oldest mysteries with new mystique: Why these individuals? Why hasJacob become so invested in their survival, as opposed to all the other Oceanic 815 passengers? It also puts the other, un-selectedcharacters in a poignant perspective: We would now realize that the likes ofJuliet, Faraday, and Miles were really a means to an end for the story’salmighty, big picture chess-players, that they were just pawns whose entire lives were meant toadvance the destinies of The More Important Jacob-Chosen People behind them. The recognitionof their sacrifice could motivate our remaining heroes to action in theendgame to come.

ODDS OF ACCURACY: 3 to 1

ODDS THAT THIS SCENARIO WILL PLEASE FANS IF IT’S ACCURATE…  

Well, you tell me! I say the odds are 4 to 1. But use the comments board below to offer your opinion. And check back here next week for eitherthe full column—or my latest “Sorry I’m tardy” apology!

Doc Jensen