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'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' remake: Slow...slow...quick, quick, NO!

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The Axis of Evil announced a Girls Just Want to Have Fun remake this morning. Excuse me?!?! No. This remake can go to hell. And I wouldn’t watch it there, either. So wrong. So awful. Miley Cyrus will probably be in this. Oh god. I can’t handle it. I’m freaking out. What if we don’t make it to the DTV auditions?! I didn’t bring a gym bag!!! But seriously. There are SO MANY essential 1985-y elements of this movie that can and should never translate to present day. A sampling….

–“Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop)” presented as the hippest jam in all the land (press play below)

–Helen Hunt’s grasshopper hat…and her bouffant ‘do as she’s wheeled out on a horse-drawn carriage as Our New Miss Dance TV
–Sarah Jessica Parker’s collection of ridiculously high-cut long-sleeved leotards
–Natalie Sands’ perm
–Natalie Sands in general
–Convenient availability of incredibly beefy gym-rat *FEMALEBODYBUILDERS* with tons of free time to lift automobiles with one armin an effort to help spread the word about the plan to “Wake Up The Neighborhood” atNatalie Sands’ coming-out party. (And everyone else in the invitations scene.)
–Male lead who looks so much like Blossom-era Joey Lawrence that when you watched the film during the early ’90s, you honestly just assumed it was him. (It was Lee Montgomery.)
–The ridiculous notion that a TV show of just the same couples dancing over and over would actually work. As. If.
–“Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab, it’s the coolest invention of the 20th Century.” (Thanks Robyn!)

What an incomplete list! But I guess I’m finished. At least now I know which DVD I’ll be watching next time I’m not sober. And now I know how the normals feel whenever their beloved classic ’80s movies start getting the remake rumors — pretty much once a day at this point. I don’t know, dawg. For me for you…this one has finally crossed the line.