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World Beard and Moustache Championships: This needs to be televised

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I’m feeling patriotic this morning. Allow me to quote from my new favorite website and you’ll understand why: “For the first time in history, Germany failed to take home the majority of the trophies awarded at the World Beard and Moustache Championships as the United States enjoyed the home field advantage in Anchorage, Alaska, and established itself as the new leading power in international bearding.” USA! USA!

Is this event, held every two years, not nationally televised? That is just wrong. Some network needs to plan an hour-long special for when it hits Norway in 2011. (And Christopher Guest needs to do a mockumentary.) Check out the clip below of May 23’s parade of champions. The best moment is obviously when a rabid fan shouts “Freestyle Beard!” to David Traver, the winner of that category and the championships’ overall title, as if he was a rock star. “[The Germans] have never lost in full beard freestyle, but not yesterday.Yesterday is the first time they got knocked off,” Traver told the Anchorage Daily News. “They werehumble, and you have to respect that.” (According to the paper, Traver “got into facial hair competition locally about 10 years ago with the Mr. Fur Face competition during Fur Rendezvous.” As a writer, I am completely jealous that I was not the first person to ever put those words in a sentence. As someone who wants to visit Alaska, I now have an event to plan my trip around.)

P.S. You’re thinking this can’t get any better, but it does. Beard Team USA is open to everyone — no dues, no applications, no beards or mustaches required (unless you want to compete). Just send an email to self-appointed captain Phil Olsen, and print out your membership card.