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Donald Trump explains it all: If you're not beautiful, no one cares what you think

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For the last month or so, we Americans have been engaged in some serious soul-searching, exploring the depths of our psyches as we dealt with two issues that threatened to forever alter the way we live our lives. No, I don’t mean the recession and torture. I am, of course, talking about Susan Boyle and Carrie Prejean: one, a talented singer of ordinary appearance who defied the prejudice of her audience to become an international sensation; the other, a beauty queen who defied the utter nonsense of the phrase “opposite marriage” to become a mouthpiece for the anti-gay-marriage movement and the most controversial pageant contestant since Vanessa Williams. If you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of time watching headlines about these two women scroll across a variety of screens and thinking, “Is there no one who can simultaneously reduce the stories of these two women — and, in fact, the entire female population — to the most disgustingly simplistic of terms?”

I needn’t have worried. For so long as Donald Trump walks the earth, “disgustingly simplistic” will forever be served. Thanks to last night’s Daily Show, I now know that Carrie Prejean will retain her title of Miss California, despite her boob job, her racy photos, and her honest-though-small-minded opinion on equal rights for all Americans. Why? Let’s let the Donald explain:

“Carrie is totally beautiful. And her answer, because of that, took on greater importance….If her beauty wasn’t so great, nobody really would have cared.”

And so I can sleep soundly tonight, PopWatchers, content in the knowledge that 1) my current state of residence will not be robbed of its rightful beauty queen and thus left open to attacks from other states who might perceive our lack of Official Miss as a weakness and 2) I can now stop caring entirely about Susan Boyle, because she is not beautiful. In fact, I can stop caring about everyone who does not meet society’s rigid and unforgiving standards for aesthetic perfection, so long as they are female — because clearly, Donald Trump is not applying these same standards to himself or his hair. Thank you, The Donald. This was all really starting to weigh on me. I feel much better now. What about you, PopWatchers?

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