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Sound Bites: The week's best TV quotes

TV’s funniest lines from April 24 to 30, 2009

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”I can’t believe the company’s treating you like this. Doesn’t it make you want to scream, or put your fist through a wall, or rub your junk on the CEO’s chair?”
—Linda (Andrea Anders) to Ted, after he is forced into bureaucratic hell, on Better Off Ted

”All right, Stewie, your dad’s going to help you learn how to be a man. Real men have a couple of beers and then pro-ject their inadequacies on their kids.”
—Peter on Family Guy

”[Twitter] is the digital macarena.”
—Joel McHale on The Soup

”You have to make sacrifices. Like, my wife is allergic to raccoons, so I had to throw out my comforter.”
—Janitor (Neil Flynn), talking about life as a newlywed, on Scrubs

”Bruce Springsteen has allegedly been cheating with a New Jersey housewife. I’m pretty sure that the law in New Jersey is that if Springsteen wants your wife, he gets her. It was originally called the Sinatra Amendment.”
—Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately