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'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Going once, going twice...

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We learned several important lessons from last night’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice. First, Scott Ian from Anthrax (and those VH1 shows) is BFF with Annie Duke. Second, Clint Black makes me feel incredibly, painfully uncomfortable whenever he speaks — not just when he makes awkward sexual innuendos in viral videos. Third, according to Donald Trump, Sandra Bullock must have married Jesse James because he is good in bed (not because he’s level-headed, down-to-earth, and funny). Fourth, according to Annie Duke, Annie Duke gives a great blow job.

After last week’s awkward one-and-a-half challenges, we got a juicydouble elimination last night. The first half of the show finished upthe previous episode’s auction debacle, in which each team auctionedoff five pieces from Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line. As you may recall,Annie spent pretty much all of last week’s episode (and a couple of theprevious ones) talking about how she had so many rich friends whom shecould convince to donate in the next fundraising challenge, and blessher heart, the Athena project manager actually followed through. Herbig-spending friends showed up and dropped some major dollars on theshowy jewelry pieces Melissa picked out. And man, does Annie know howto talk people into doing what she wants them to — her auctioneertactics included calling out her friends by name (like theaforementioned Scott Ian), shaming them into bidding more, and puttingher head in their laps when she wasn’t satisfied with what they wereoffering. Hey, whatever works, right?

KOTU, on the other hand, seemed doomed from the start of thechallenge, when Natalie went to pick out the jewelry and returned withdainty, understated pieces that really didn’t stand out on a runway.Though KOTU raised a bunch of money and pooled it to bid on the leastexpensive piece (so they’d make the most profit), they didn’t getanyone to actually attend the auction and bid on the items. So whenClint opened bidding and all you could hear was crickets — painful.Then, when he started cracking unfunny jokes in his robotic,emotionless voice, really painful. Like, I had to look awaybecause I was so uncomfortable. Thank goodness Joan popped her head outand brought some life to the room. Clint was failing so spectacularlyand Joan’s comedy was such a welcome breath of fresh air, however, thatI couldn’t help but wonder if either the whole thing was planned, orshe was setting Clint up to fail.

In the boardroom, Annie and Joan had a pretty intense fight, duringwhich Joan called Annie out on being two-faced (probably), having ahuge ego (definitely), taking credit for everything (also definitely),and being just like Hitler (um…definitely not). After their blow-up,we found out that Athena won the challenge by raising $153,000 and KOTUonly raised $92,000. Though I don’t think Joan was a bad projectmanager, it didn’t seem like anyone on her team really screwed up. Whenthat happens, the project manager usually goes home, right? Well, notif you’re BFF with Donald Trump. Since the editing had focused heavilyon the jewelry choice last week, it wasn’t a surprise when Trump sentNatalie packing instead of Joan.

The second challenge saw the contestants create a new dish andmarketing campaign for the Schwan’s frozen food LiveSmart line. Athena,led by Jesse, made turkey and spinach meatballs with gluten-free pasta.KOTU, led by Herschel, made Asian orange chicken. In the boardroom, wefound out that though the main dishes both turned out well, KOTU’syogurt dessert was an unfreezable packaging nightmare and didn’t reallymeasure up to Athena’s dish. We also sat through a weird interlude whenDonald wondered why Sandra Bullock married Jesse. It couldn’t haveanything to do with the fact that he’s got a great personality andcharm, right? No, Donald says it’s because Jesse’s probably great inbed. Coincidentally, I began to wonder how Donald got such a hot modelto marry him. It couldn’t have anything to do with his piles of money,which I imagine he swims in, Scrooge McDuck-like, on a nightly basis,right?

Though I was rooting for Clint to get the ax (he just creeps meout), Donald ended up firing Herschel, who had lost as project managerfor the second time. Clearly Joan wasn’t going, since she’s Trump’sBFF, and Clint wasn’t going, since he causes so much drama, so Herschelwas the logical choice. Plus, he didn’t really do much, and seemed toskate by under the radar on the other challenges.

What did you think of last night’s two firings? Did Trump make theright choices? Are you on Team Joan or Team Annie? Did you also wonderwhy one of KOTU’s models was wearing only underwear? Are you amused bythe fact that Annie always has to have the last word (”I told you thegluten-free would work!”)? What did you think of the previews for nextweek’s episode?

Must List Live: See why Dalton Ross says Celebrity Apprentice is the greatest bad show in TV history!

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