Okay, truth test…you’re starting to love Coach a little bit, right?If not, you are gonna hate this blog, because this blog is dedicated toCoach.
I’ve hosted Survivor for 18 seasons, and up until now there has onlybeen one person I thought might be worthy of their own show and thatwas Boston Rob. That is, up until now.
I am seriously considering a show called The Dragon Slayer. It’sabout a guy who lives in a world that exists solely in his own mind,and thus is invisible to the outside world. While it is the year 2009,the Dragon Slayer dresses like he’s just returned from one of thoseRenaissance fairs where he’s just finished eating a turkey leg the sizeof a small dog. We’ll simply follow his daily life, where every time heleaves his home offers the potential for a life changing, near-death,journey. Every episode concludes with his signature line:
Coach: “Hence my name, the dragon slayer.”
Most shows suffer from running out of ideas. That will never happen on The Dragon Slayer, not with comments like this:
Coach: “I want you guys to know there are three people in the world that know this story.”
Okay, that is a total lie. Coach told all of us producers this same story during casting and I’ve probably told three or four other people cause come on, it’s a good story. They’ve told people, who’ve told other people, cause again, it really is a good story. I’d argue that after tonight’s episode, seen in over a hundred countries, that Coach’s story of being beaten by indigenous people in the Amazon will soon surpass Susan Boyle in popularity. Don’t know who Susan Boyle is? Stop reading this blog and go to YouTube.
Back to my new show, The Dragon Slayer. Another reason Coach deserves his own show is because he has principles. For instance, in one episode, National Geographic wants to come along with Coach as he kayaks down the Amazon, but he says no.
Coach: “I’m doing this alone.”
That is a true Dragon Slayer. You do it not for the glory, but because it is there.
Say no to Nat Geo, but a resounding YES to Survivor. The man knows his demographic.
At this point in the pitch, I’m just gonna give you some topics for future episodes, snippets of dialogue you’ll hear in the show:
EPISODE 4: FLY ME TO THE MOON… FOR FREE
Brendan: “How’d you afford a military chopper?”
Coach: “That I got for free.”
Brendan: “How’d you do that?”
Coach: “I pulled some strings.”
EPISODE 5 – THE SERMON
Coach: “Be the wizard, Stephen, be the wizard.”
EPISODE 8 – YOU WON’T FIND IT (this will be our Emmy submission)
Coach: “If you do a Google search you won’t find it; it’s only passed down verbally.”
Okay, now if you tell me you do not appreciate the brilliance of that line and the man who uttered it, I challenge you and say you are a LIAR. Furthermore, I’ll give 20-1 odds that tonight, (Friday) you’ll be home alone with microwave popcorn and some ridiculous Jim Carrey movie.
What a brilliant line. Maybe the single most brilliant line this season. That one sentence can literally get you out of any jam. “If you Google it, you won’t find it, it’s only (fill in the blank) verbally.”
Coach is a genius.
The writing that comes out of Coach’s mouth is so good that I am honestly intimidated. If Hollywood could write at this level consistently, there would be no need for anyone to ever strike because everybody would be working!
Brendan: We’re throwing underhand breaking tiles and none of us have ever done us before.
Coach: “I have.”
I throw my hands up. I cannot keep up. You get the idea. And yes, in case you’re wondering, my lawyer has assured me that this blog constitutes ownership of the idea, the name of the show, and of Coach himself.
Okay, okay a few other things:
From what I can tell from my position as host, being on Exile Island with somebody is bad enough, being out there alone is miserable. An hour feels like a month. A bit of rain can get you so cold you truly believe you will freeze to death, never to awake again.
Stephen was completely out of his element and over his head on Exile and to his credit, he hung in there and he did it. He made fire. Making fire is never as easy as you think it is. I’m impressed.
Tyson — the dude is dangerous. A major physical threat. Also one of the best spontaneous lines of the night:
Tyson: (Regarding voting out Sierra) “It probably won’t win me her vote…(long pause) but it might win me everybody else’s vote!” I love Tyson. He cracks me up. I definitely think that Tyson should show up as a nemesis in the third episode of my new show, but he and Dragon Slayer eventually become friends. But what Coach doesn’t know is that Tyson one day plans to slay him and steal the Dragon Slayer crown.
J.T.: “I’d come back with a damn 30-30 Winchester.” Okay, look, I will admit that I am not a big gun enthusiast so it probably won’t surprise anyone that J.T.’s comment about how he’d handle those damn Amazonian people who captured Coach made me more than a bit uncomfortable. I’m telling you, J.T. would make a great small town Sheriff.
Okay, let’s get to Tribal Council and the star of my new show, The Dragon Slayer.
Coach: “Brendan’s the dragon. I’m the Dragon Slayer.”
Brendan: “He’s kinda like a snake — don’t bother him and he won’t bother you.”
Ah Brendan, such a good strategy. Unfortunately you bothered him and he bit you.
In one of the biggest surprises of the season, Coach defeats Brendan. The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon.
Poor Brendan. Sitting on that idol… he never saw it coming. Blindside #4. That one hurt. Hated to see Brendan go as he seems like a guy you’d have a beer with.
But as much as I like Brendan, I’ll admit, if given the choice of keeping the dragon or the Dragon Slayer – you know my vote. Long live the Dragon Slayer!!!
Please keep the Dragon Slayer all the way to the end. Please let him plead his case to the jury.
Two last things:
1. Coach can never write his own dialogue in my new show, The Dragon Slayer, and here’s an example of why:
Coach: “Who really was the chosen one? It’s gonna be Coach Wade.”
Wait…What? Coach Wade? Coach Wade? What happened to my Dragon Slayer? Coach fell out of character. For one moment he remembered who he really was, “Coach Wade” and it totally blew the whole image thing.
“Coach Wade” does NOT work. It doesn’t ring and it doesn’t conjure up cool images of things being “slayed” either. It actually makes me imagine an overweight, former athlete turned insurance salesman living in Tulsa. Nothing sexy about that. Nothing. Sorry, but I’ve been to Tulsa.
That line should read:
“Who really was the chosen one? The Dragon Slayer.”
And the last thing…and the best part of my new TV show, The Dragon Slayer, Coach has an Achilles heel, he’ll cut his nose off to spite his face. Coach, you may have defeated Brendan, but in my opinion you and the former Timbira tribe made a terrible decision tonight. Voting out Brendan made no sense at all. You should have taken out J.T.
Okay, it’s late. I’m done.
Now check out our exclusive deleted scene below and then read Dalton’s ‘Survivor’ recap.