Scott Brown
April 10, 2009 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Scott Brown’s hit list

1. NBC on its Boston affiliate threatening to dump Leno: ”Make no mistake. The new Leno show will air at 10 p.m….in the Boston market” Just Boston Market? They couldn’t get him into a couple of Sbarros or something?

2. Oscar de la Renta on Michelle Obama: ”You don’t go to Buckingham Palace in a sweater” It’s true: The Queen likes to see a little skin.

3. Man claiming to be Beyoncé producer tries to enter Jamie Foxx’s hotel room That was how the repo man got my futon: The old ”Open up, it’s Beyoncé producer!” routine.

4. Santana urges the president to legalize pot ”You will see immediate results,” vows Santana. ”My solos will get much longer.”

5. Paul and Ringo reminisce about India ”We’d forgotten it all,” says Paul. ”Then Ringo rented The Love Guru, and it all came back.”

6. After being ”praised, flayed, and betrayed by journalists,” Russell Crowe declares objectivity ”a myth” From now on, he puts his faith in science, which has no bias: It simply measures the distance a phone is thrown and the force with which it strikes the concierge.

7. Rupert Grint, Harry Potter‘s Ron, plays a drugging, slugging, sex-mad party boy in new movie Me, I can’t wait until that naughty, naughty Hagrid goes through his ”rebellious phase.”

8. Levi Johnston tells Tyra he and Bristol Palin practiced safe sex ”every time…most of the time” Interestingly, that’s the same answer John McCain gave when asked if he vetted his VP picks.

9. Carnie Wilson felt her unborn child kick while hosting the new Newlywed Game She then distinctly heard the baby say, ”That kick was for your agent.”

10. ”We’ll miss her,” Heidi Montag says of departing Hills costar Lauren Conrad. ”I just don’t know if we need her” Montag continues: ”She’s like tonsils that way. Also, after she leaves, we’ve all been promised ice cream!”

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