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'The Osbournes: Reloaded': Repulsive, repellent, ridiculous

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Oh lordy: How long did you last after American Idol ended and The Osbournes: Reloaded began? Did the hokey kiss-the-elderly-lady-while-blindfolded stunt put you off? (Aside from its dull stupidity, it exposed an ugly streak in Sharon Osbourne: she asked the guy, “Are you OK?” as though he’d been forced to smooch a rotting corpse.) Did you flip the channel during the Flashdance parody featuring Ozzy in a leotard, farting? Did you make it as far as the two children playing prepubescent Ozzy and Sharon, swearing at everyone in sight? Funny? No. Shocking? No. Make-your-eyes-bleed boring? Yes.

Commercials had given us a glimpse of the Osbournes working in a drive-through restaurant, but the full, tedious hostility of Kelly shouting at a customer, “Are you #@%&ing deaf?” was creepy in its contempt for “ordinary” people — and by extension, us.

Capping it all was Reloaded‘s framing stunt: near the start of the show, some poor guy was tricked into thinking he’d won a prize, but it turned out his girlfriend was backstage. She came forth and demanded to know whether he’d marry her this evening. Sharon told him to think about it, and he was whisked offstage to “think.” By the end of the show (oh gosh, SPOILER ALERT!!!), facing his girlfriend who was dressed in a white wedding gown, he said glumly, “I’ll marry you.” (It was less than a half-hearted marriage vow: it was a heartless one.) An apparently legal union was then performed. The whole thing would have been blood-curdling, but by that time, was there anyone in America who cared?

It seems a lifetime since, in 2002, the Osbournes came across as refreshingly nutty on their MTV reality show. On The Osbournes: Reloaded, Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack were just pathetic. No wonder Fox kept chopping this proposed hour-long “variety show” into an ever-smaller size before airing it. The network is supposed to air five more Reloadeds. Don’t hold your breath. Or maybe, do hold your breath: The stink of this show will last a long time.

What did you think?