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'Real Housewives of New York City' recap: Kell-amity Strikes

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As expected, new Housewife Kelly is officially bat-s— cuckoo. She is not going to let Bethenny get away with that rude attack at the adorable arthritis charity meeting. Nobody calls her Madonna and gets away with it. She doesn’t care if Bethenny was raised in the woods, y’all. Respect must be paid. In the front row of the Badgley Mischka fashion show, she explained to Ramona, who was in 11-inch heels, in order keep up with her leggy new friend, how Bethenny was way out of line. Ramona wondered if perhaps our angular chef was simply jealous of Gilles’ ex. “We live in totally separate worlds!” scoffed Kelly. “That’d be like me being jealous of you. Why would I be jealous of you?” Poor Ramona’s face twitched desperately, as viewers at home imagined her mind scurrying to find reasons. My shapely glutes? My cross necklace is bigger than yours? My husband drives a Porsche?

Kelly decides that a Bethenny time-out was in order. Of course then she undercut her position of moral righteousness by showing up 30 minutes late in ridiculous Pepto pink rain boots.

After the jump: More recap, including my favorite line of the night.


“I’ve been waiting for half an hour,” said Bethenny. “Really?”murmured Kelly. “That’s too bad.” The only thing worse than making aMadonna crack, is apparently calling Kelly out on her tardiness. So shedove right in and started accusing Bethenny of acting like a child. “Iwill not indulge you in this! The difference between you and me iswhile you’re busy talking, I’m busy doing things.” (Like not working onher non-charities, or giving her boyfriend a shiner, or grooming thelife-sized white horse in her living room. She has a life!) To hercredit, Bethenny stayed steel cool, narrowing her eyes mobster-style,and stuck to slipping in artful digs. When she reached for her piece(her Blackberry), Kelly stormed off. “Basically, she was a calamity,”said Bethenny. “And I mean, a Kell-amity.” Kelly struck again by thecoat check, screaming at a stoic Bethenny to CHILL OUT! CHILL OUT! Thenshe started giggling maniacally and announced to the cameras that shewas late for a date. “Yeah, with your imaginary boyfriend,” Bethennyshot back. Oh Bethenny, I do love you. (Though truth be told, said dateturned out to be a very fine Italian gent named Max Max, who rightlyaccused Kelly of wearing Pink Panther boots.)

The only good thing I can say about Kelly is that she brings out themost reasonable side in LuAnn. News broke yesterday that the Countessand her elusive Count are on the skids. (Not a surprise to any Real Housewiveswatcher who has noted the Count’s multiple business trips abroad. Whydo I picture a roomful of Bravo executives in chunky glasses coming upwith the idea for Real Mistresses of Monaco as we speak?) Sogood for the Countess (better work that title for all you can, girl)for rocking a hot purple dress at the Page Six party. In the limou, sheskeptically listened to a spluttering Kelly catalogue Bethenny’smultiple failings as a well-mannered human being. You showed up 30minutes late to a meeting you called? LuAnn grimaced. You left her atthe table? Kelly blathered on the entire ride, insisting that Bethenny”MAKES NO IMPACT IN MY LIFE WHATSOEVER.”

At the party, a red-faced Mario badgered Jill about their sillytennis match. He accused Jill of ruining the fun of the game and livinga shallow life that revolved around shopping and dinner and vacations.”I’m going to punch you out!” she threatened, before summoning hermystified limo driver Wayne to dispose of her nemesis. (Is it just me,or should Jill have been cast as another of Tony’s sisters on the Sopranos?)As their argument escalated, and Mario accused Jill of thinking theworld revolved around her, Bobby kept whispering sweetly in his wife’sear. “You need help, baby?…I’ll take you to the Greek Isles onvacation, baby.” Bobby Zarin for the EW Must List!

Elsewhere at the party, Brad preened in what appeared to be Thaibutler uniform. Ramona made sure that Kelly knew that she was MissFashion, what with having gone to FIT and working at the FrenchConnection in a past life. (“I mean, helloooo!”) And Simon andAlex pleaded ignorance of knowing when nudie pics of Alex were going to”leak.” As Ramona and Mario accused the polarizing couple of failing toalert them of the approaching scandal, Simon hit a breaking point.”What were we supposed to do? Say ‘Hear ye! Hear ye! There are toplessphotos of Alex in In Touch magazine next week!'”

Lest, I leave you with that sad image, I’ll finish with my favoriteline of the night. Brad is almost done with the renovations of Jill’sapartment. (Be scared. A bad junk store is in all of our futures.) Asthey tried to figure out what to do with a bunk flat-screen TV, Jillstarted sweating and fanning herself. “I need windows open, I’m dyingin here!” Someone get this adorable woman a Diet Coke and a pamphlet onhot flashes.

What say you PopWatchers? Kelly or Ramona on a desert island? IsMario’s tan natural? Is anyone out there on Team Kelly? (Crickets…)Is anyone out there surprised about the Royal split? (Crickets…)