Scott Brown
March 20, 2009 AT 04:00 AM EDT

The greatest high school anarch-omedy ever may come to Broadway. EW had a dramaturge urge, and dreamed up a sample song list, complete with lyrics. How very!

”What’s Your Damage?”
(Opening number)
Sample lyrics:
”I’m the evil queen bee/See the boys I’m attracting!/
I’m Shannen Doherty/See, I’m not even acting!”

”Gotta Motor if I’m Gonna Make That Funeral”
(Lavish dance montage)
Sample chorus:
”Gotta motor/Gotta gotta motor”
[jazz hands, repeat]

”Our Love Is God — Let’s Go Get a Slushie”
(Tense duet)
Sample lyrics:
”Veronica, I love you/Don’t shoot my middle finger!/
JD, I don’t trust you/ It’s done, we shouldn’t linger!”

”Just a Spoke in My Menstrual Cycle”
(Finale)
Sample chorus:
”School is finally released!/The jerks are deceased!/
The Diet Coke heads are feeling unleashed!”

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