Scott Brown
February 20, 2009 AT 05:00 AM EST

Scott Brown’s hit list

1. Jessica Simpson performs in a ”skort,” a skirt/shorts combo garment All of Simpson’s clothes are expected to multitask, as anyone who’s called her on her shoe-phone knows.

2. Kate Winslet hasn’t prepared an Oscar acceptance speech If she wins, she’ll try a little improv — maybe take suggestions from the audience. Just run out the clock, basically.

3. Tim Gunn on Meryl Streep: ”You need to accept responsibility for what you are wearing” Oh, he’s just promoting his newest reality show, Tim Gunn’s Fashion Nuremberg.

4. Salma Hayek marries her French billionaire boyfriend She finally did the right thing and made an honest French billionaire out of him.

5. An insider says Tarantino’s new WWII movie will be ”a big change from all the downbeat Holocaust films” Is this ”insider” named Roberto Benigni?

6. Jackie Chan movie deemed too violent for Chinese audiences I agree: Rush Hour 3 is harrowing. But it’s also important, and I think the Chinese people should see it.

7. Biographer says Mary Todd Lincoln was ”the original fashionista First Lady” This information was unearthed from watching hours and hours of Real Housewives of Martyred Presidents on wax cylinder.

8. Suge Knight in Scottsdale, Ariz., hotel scuffle with alleged Akon associate Guys, when Arizona is the setting of your new rap war, it’s time to rethink the whole concept of rap war.

9. Kelly Clarkson: ”No girl wakes up every day and is like, ‘I’m awesome!”’ ”And if she does, chances are she’s a drag queen.”

10. Toy Fair vendors offer ”Smash-Me Bernie” Madoff doll for $99.95 That’s cruel! Anyone with sufficient reasons to smash a Madoff effigy doesn’t have $99.95 to spend right now.

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