Thanks, ABC, for the dramatic “ALL-NIGHT NAME DROP” motif — this has easily been my most sequin-y Sunday in at least a few weeks. All night long, Tom Bergeron and his not-Samantha Harris Deal or No Deal briefcase sidechick revealed, bit by drawn-out bit, the cast of Dancing With the Stars season 8. May their hands always be busy; may their feet always be swift; may they have a strong foundation when the disco ball sheds an odd light on their…triceps? Whatever. Here they are!
Shawn Johnson, Olympic gold medal gymnast (and total cutie)
Chuck Wicks, country singer who “steals hearts,” namely Julianne’s
Gilles Marini “Sex and the City #1 stud,” which is a euphemism for “The Naked Guy”
Denise Richards, reality TV barnacle (“She’s so sexy, It’s Complicated”)
Lawrence Taylor, retired NFL linebacker (check it out: he has “beautiful lines”)
Nancy O’Dell, Access Hollywood co-host
Steve-O, incorrigible jackass
Steve Wozniak, Apple founder
Lil’ Kim, Grammy-winning rapper. Should have no problem with costumes of the “cutout” variety
Belinda Carlisle, be-all-end-all ’80s superstar (“I Get Weak” even as I type this!)
David Alan Grier, Life With Bonnie actor
Ty Murray, PBR bull rider and cowboy eager to save a horse. Married to…
Jewel, singer/songwriter/but most of all, eloquent poet
Faker baker Donny Osmond reneged his premature “announcement” last week, saying he would prefer to join the cast this fall, when he has more time. (Perhaps he felt intimidated by Steve Wozniak.)
This group is so typical for DWTS (Belinda’s the Tia, Shawn’s the Misty, Chuck’s the Billy Ray de la Fuente) that I almost feel as though I could just keep typing and start recapping the entire season before it even occurs. But I’ll spare you those details for now. What do you think of America’s next dance crew? And who will be paired with my former fake lover, Maks?