Mandi Bierly and I are just tuning in for the final hour of E’s coverage of the 2009 Golden Globe Awards red carpet to feast upon Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Rancic’s tragic foible-to-minute ratio of 1:1, and specifically the Glam Cam’s full-body pan of Simon Baker. Oh, and Jay Manuel, whose “hair” has bravely become more shellacked than ever. Won’t you join us? (UPDATE: Join us as we liveblog NBC’s telecast!)
Annie: I can’t handle when Jay dips his head like that to inspect the Glamastrator. I’m blinded!
Annie: Kevin Nealon’s wearing Nabisco. I’m wearing Frito-Lay. Who are you wearing, Mandi?
Mandi: I am getting ready to wear a hot dog, fries, and vanilla shake from Johnny Rockets, as soon as my dinner shows up.
Annie: Wait, Susan Sarandon’s shoes don’t hurt? Get her outta there! That’s not allowed on the red carpet.
Annie: Aggghh Amy Adams’ green jewels look amazing with her hair. (I’m getting all my frivolous comments in early, if you can’t tell.)
Annie: I’m so glad Giuliana DIDN’T cut True Blood’s Stephen Moyer off as he demonstrated how the buttocks go up and down.
Mandi: I was bored until THAT moment.
Mandi: Blood sucking is “really hot,” according to Anna Paquin. Also really hot, black and deep purple on the red carpet.
Annie: Ooh, Elizabeth Banks’ hair is very Betty Draper tonight. And her dress looks like delicious frosting!
Mandi: Rainn Wilson just said that last year, he got to pee at a urinal next to Martin Scorsese. AWESOME.
Annie: Aww, Dwight is generously buying into the Hollywood thing with Ryan. He just said “Brangelina.”
Annie: Question of the night: Would Tracy Jordan have better-looking babies with Kimora Lee or Giuliana? G-funk’s got her answer.
Mandi: Seacrest is gonna need a minute to recover after that Maggie Gyllenhaal interview.
Annie: Duchovny just thanked Giuliana for asking a real question and she gave him a “you’re pathetic” look. Nice.
Mandi: What’s up with Drew’s hair?
Annie: I think she and Jessica Lange literally just switched their usual hairstyles with each other.
Mandi:Is it just me, or has this telecast taken a downward turn since AlecBaldwin had THE best interview with Seacrest ever? Oh, wait, the JonasBrothers are in the queue.
Annie: Whatever Mandi. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t hear what Hayden has to say!
Mandi: Why are the shrubs at the Golden Globes attacking blonds? First, Christina Applegate. Now, Hayden Panettiere.
Annie: Am I allowed to just mute the Cyrus family? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR HYPOTHETICAL CORVETTE.
Mandi: She only got a hand-me-down Porsche for her birthday. Boohoo.
Annie: Oh god, why can’t Joel McHale do this whole show?
Mandi: America Ferrera looked fabulous, but put me to sleep. Kyra Sedgwick’s red dress woke me up!
Annie: Agreed! And Eva Mendes’ necklace will challenge your vision in so many ways.
Mandi: Pecking order confirmed: Kyra and Eva kicked off the platform in favor of Leo and Kate. Fair enough.
Annie:Yes, but then ugh, Brad and Angelina truly are the only ones who couldrelegate Kate and Leo to the dreaded picture-in-picture box. Gross.
Mandi: Theonly thing that could’ve topped the Alec Baldwin interview was if AnneHathaway or Blake Lively would’ve fallen when they got tangled in eachother’s dresses. Anne is talking about her preparation for hernominated role in Rachel Getting Married. Does she think this broadcast is actually about the craft?
Annie: Silly woman!
Mandi: For those of you who missed the Baldwin interview, heshowed up blowing a bubble. Seacrest said he read that Alec wants AndyRooney’s job on 60 Minutes. Alec confirmed. Seacrest asked himto pretend that he was giving a report on the Golden Globes. Alec saidsomething like, “Don’t you hate when hosts at the Golden Globes, at theE! channel, ask you dumb questions?” Hilarious.
Annie: Mandi, shut up — Zac and Vanessa and Ryan are discussing nothing!
Mandi: Mass chaos as Brad and Angelina diss Seacrest!
Annie: I have never appreciated them more!
Mandi: Oh, Seacrest must be crying. Brad now talking to Billy Bush!
Mandi: Giuliana reads three books a month?
Annie: I think she means Star magazines. Oh god, I love Penelope. Who else could wear a bespangled, nude spanx dress?
Mandi: Penelope Cruz’s English has improved. Just noting.
Mandi: Brad and Angelina are very busy trying to get into the Beverly Hilton, Seacrest says. Laughing. Because they were standing still on the red carpet?
Mandi: I want to hug Ryan right now.
Annie: I think instead of “right now” you meant to write “constantly, in the bed that we share.”
Annie: Forget the Globes — let’s scour the Internet for the next few hours hunting around for Diddy’s secret scoop. NOT.
Mandi: Jeremy Piven’s high mercury level didn’t keep him from the Globes. He doesn’t want to get too much into it right now.
Annie: I have no words for Megan Fox’s interview. Appalling. Or actually, to use her word, “horrifying.”
Mandi: I now LOVE her. She called herself a doppelganger for Alan Alda and a tranny. Said she wanted Salma Hayek’s boobs, and that Brian Austin Green has too much of an ego to be her date.
Annie: I knew it — “glamastrate” is now a verb. Is super slo-mo really necessary? Jay: “Hopefully J-Lo’s gonna turn a little bit”….uh, don’t have it on slo-mo then.
Mandi: Tom Cruise isn’t too big for Seacrest. Nor is Sandra Bullock. Wow. Salma’s boobs do look great.
Mandi: Good note to end on.
Annie: Hey P-dubs — follow us over to the liveblog for NBC’s telecast….