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Casting the ultimate Hollywood telenovela

Blair Underwood, Heather Locklear, and Christian Slater all make the cut

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Why should Spanish-language networks have all the fun? We’ve put together a juicy American telenovela, featuring a dream cast of our favorite underemployed TV stars!

Blair Underwood as the Cad
A former pop star, he left his brother for dead after a freak archery accident. Now he’s unhappily married to…

Heather Locklear as the Vixen
A sex-crazed heiress who secretly moonlights as a call girl and is desperately in love with one of her clients…

Christian Slater as the Mystery Man
A disfigured Puerto Rican rum baron who is actually the Cad’s long-lost brother, back for revenge. He hires…

Michelle Rodriguez as the Rebel
A streetwise orphan (really the Vixen’s illegitimate child) to ruin his brother’s marriage by posing as a caretaker for…

Delta Burke as the Matriarch
A pill-popping dowager (and the Vixen’s mother) whose vast portfolio includes a certain Puerto Rican rum factory.