Scott Brown
January 02, 2009 AT 05:00 AM EST

Scott Brown’s Hit List

1. Lindsay Lohan claims she has a half sibling Friends have delicately pointed out that her digital twin from The Parent Trap wasn’t real.

2. Twilight star Robert Pattinson’s new haircut sparks intense debate Muggles love it, while vampires think it’s…wait, did I just mix franchises?

3. Mark Ballas sidelined from Dancing With the Stars tour after groin injury Kristi Yamaguchi can do some splits that he just plain can’t.

4. Scarlett Johansson thinks that ”aging in the industry” brings actresses their ”meatiest roles” She may have confused Hollywood with a Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

5. Simon Cowell rides a Jet Ski Jet Skis are notoriously hard to control, but he tamed it with some self-esteem-deflating comments about its droopy fantail and lack of star power.

6. Leo on Kate Winslet’s script notes: ”I compared it to a forensic scientist” ”Sometimes, she’ll zoom into a ragged plot hole, á la CSI,” he said. ”It’s kind of gross, actually.”

7. Fox develops werewolf series Werewolves are over the cable ghetto. They’re worth more than male-enhancement ads and they know it!

8. Ashlee Simpson says son Bronx Mowgli ”makes me laugh and smile every day” ”Just saying his name aloud gives me the giggles,” she went on. ”I’m all like, ‘What were we thinking?”’

9. Professor claims rap ”battles” originated in medieval Scotland I think this guy’s research consisted of a half pint of the Glenlivet and an accidental late-night broadcast of Highlander on BET.

10. Doctor of mercury-poisoned Jeremy Piven: ”If anyone sees him eating seafood…call my office.” He immediately received 20 calls from a single Fresno Red Lobster.

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