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American Girl doll of 2009, Chrissa: What Not to Ware

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Chrissaameriandoll_l What is this s—? American Girl has revealed its 2009 Doll of the Year: a contemporary tween with the not-a-real-name “Chrissa.” I know I’m out of touch with toys these days, but I liked my American Girls a little more gritty. Where’s Chrissa’s historical background? Her family’s generations of pain? Her hardscrabble struggle to set that first dirty, fetid foot on American soil?

According to Mattel, “The Chrissa doll has a bouncy medium-brown hairstyle, blue eyes and an overall free-spirit look that reflects her creativity with some patchwork and floral prints.” (LOL I can so totally relate to that!) Chrissa’s biggest problem is that some of the girls at school make fun of her. Dude, I have to deal with that every day at work. Maybe I should be a doll and in the first movie that revolves around me, I can devise a complicated scheme to murder Michael Slezak! He and his fourth Diet Dr. Pepper of the day will never see it coming.

Chrissa’s kind of lame, but I suppose every doll deserves a shot at love, just like Tila Tequila. I do have an apropos-of-nothing American Girl doll question, though: Was it just me, or did anyone else have to have their moms order, like, multiple new doll heads for their original AG dolls because they couldn’t stop braiding their hair? I’m pretty sure I was on my third Kirsten head, on special order from ye olde Pleasant Company, by about 1990. I couldn’t bear to watch “the transition” in action, so I had my mom perform the surgeries in another room. Then I trudged back in, bravely ready to pretend my Kirsten did not have a brand-new, empty, unfamiliar psyche and that I had not been responsible for stripping her of her original, brilliant soul. TWICE.

Ah, youth.