Scott Brown
December 19, 2008 AT 05:00 AM EST

Scott Brown’s hit list

1. Madonna and Guy Ritchie get divorced I didn’t panic when Tennille made the Captain sleep on the couch for a week, and I’m not panicking now.

2. Ashton Kutcher’s birthday party is punk’d by a hepatitis scare Microbes! The original pranksters!

3. Paris Hilton searches for a new BFF The Craigslist ad read, ”Emotional issues a plus. Must love tiny dogs. No fatties.” Everybody kind of knew who posted it.

4. Dunkin’ Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after her scarf is said to resemble those worn by Islamic militants She was immediately taken to Guantanamo, where she admitted that her Pumpkin Whoopie Pies can be considered ”weapons of ass inflation.”

5. Katie Holmes makes her Broadway debut When asked if she could do eight shows a week, Holmes said, ”Yes, but could this Arthur Miller guy write a part for Tom so he could feed me my lines?”

6. New Kids on the Block reunite, record, tour And voilá! The late ’80s all over again! As part of the promo rollout, banks everywhere were kind enough to collapse, S&L-style.

7. Screenplay for Beverly Hills Cop IV leaked online It’s got the freshness of the new Rambo, plus the electric spontaneity of Blues Brothers 2000.

8. Oprah again hits 200 lbs. When hemlines drop, so does the market. When stocks plummet, bonds surge. And when Oprah bloats, sell everything!

9. Sharon Stone sorry for calling Chinese earthquake ”karma” for abuses against Tibet ”In retrospect, I should have used the English term ‘payback.”’

10. Ryan Seacrest bitten by shark ”I just wanted to taste the hair,” the shark later told authorities.

11. Pam Anderson’s latest marriage annulled One more and she gets a set of steak knives, which she is then encouraged to use to saw off her ring finger.

12. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have twins If Hollywood’s current birthrate holds, America will be 40 percent celebrity by 2025. And the country will finally have to start paying attention to this despised minority.

13. 50 Cent feuds with Taco Bell Has it come to this? Even by the standards of Fitty and the Bell, this was a grade-D beef.

14. ScarJo releases an album of Tom Waits covers The move accelerated fears that Tara Reid would finally complete her long-feared Leonard Cohen encomium.

15. FBI seizes Anne Hathaway’s journals as evidence against her con-man ex ”Dear Diary: Today Raffaello did the sweetest thing. First he impersonated a Vatican official. Then he pulled my chair out for me at Cipriani!”

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