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'The Hills' recap: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...married!

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Thehills_lOkay, folks, let’s just cut to the chase here and get to the main event in last night’s Hills episode: the nuptials of two of the most loathed “celebrities” in America. It should be a given that I was going to vote these shenanigans as the Down Hill Moment of the evening, but just in case you weren’t clear on my opinion of Speidi after all these months (or is it years? God knows it feels like a lifetime to me) writing about them, then there you have it.

So we began our journey down the aisle with Spencer taking Heidi on a totally planned because there was a camera crew involved surprise trip to Mexico. “I have a feeling, my dear, this will be the most memorable vacation of your life,” he said when they arrived. Focus on that word “memorable” for a second and then fast forward to the couple’s candlelit beach dinner later on. Actually, I probably shouldn’t even call it a dinner — it was more like a liquid picnic. Heidi was on a tequila high (or at least faking one) when Spencer said, “What if we were to just go get married and don’t tell anybody, and then it’s just us?” She couldn’t actually answer him in clear English or Spanish, so he said it again, “For real, let’s just go get married.” Her response this time? Something about being loco (we’re so happy you can finally see what we see, Heidi) and then, “For real, Jose.” With that, this pair topped their first fake proposal — you know, last fall, on the beach, with token mall-bought ring — tenfold. I mean, how much more romantic can it get than your girlfriend calling you Jose in between downing shots of Patron? Oh right, you can also admit how creepily obsessed you are with her. “I pretty much keep you from the whole world,” Spencer said. Um, is that supposed to make a girl swoon? Because it sounds like something I heard the serial killer say in Silence of the Lambs.

Heidi vowed to show Spencer “what a wife does,” (yeah, I’m not even going to go there,people. I’d imagine most of you are eating breakfast while readingthis, and I would hate for your food to come back up, if you know whatI mean), and then the next time we saw Speidi was in the morning intheir hotel room. The title under Spencer’s name had already changed to”Heidi’s Husband” (I would’ve loved to see the look on the face of theMTV editor who had to type those words in) and the two exchanged  Mr.Pratt and Mrs. Pratt salutations. Spencer confessed that it was hisevil plan all along to travel to Mexico to brainwash Heidi getmarried. Then the two shared an intimate moment together watching thefootage for their top secret wedding. “I just can’t believe it!” Heidisquealed. I can’t either, because now I have so many unansweredquestions about this godforsaken union. Like: Why did it look lightoutside when they got married? If we’re supposed to believe that theydid it the same night they got sloshed, then how in the world would thesun be out unless the ceremony took place at 5 a.m. Also, where exactlydid Heidi get that white (reportedly Balenciaga) dress at the lastminute?  And why the heck didn’t Spencer shave that animal off of hisface for the special occasion? Furthermore, how did Us Weekly just happen to have a photographer there to document the “wedding photos”? Finally, are these really the rings they plan to wear until they inevitably get divorced the rest of their lives?

In between the scenes of Heidi and Spencer covertly eloping came our Up Hill Moment (14:00)of the evening, in which Mr. and Mrs. Port threw Whitney a going awayparty. Yes, Whitney landed the big city job with Diane Von Furstenberg(duh), so it was time for her to part ways with the West Coast. Ienjoyed the cameo by Whit’s ‘rents because they were so sweet and downto earth. When Whitney’s mom started crying, I was taken back to thetime when I left for New York City over four years ago. Not to get allcheesy here, but I remember how hard it was for my mom to say goodbye(and vice versa) and how I, too, had so many silly questions about cityliving (okay, so Whitney’s wonderment about how you get groceries homedid seem a little, well, asinine but still). I survived the move to astrange place, and we all know Whitney will, too. The question is: WillLauren? She got awfully emotional (real tears, no?) when she said byeto her long-time work pal.

So Pop Watchers, tell me below, were you moved at all by Whitney’smom’s or Lauren’s tears? What about by Speidi’s Mexican wedding? Do youbelieve that it was spontaneous? Do you think Heidi’s mom has a rightto express her concern (as we saw in the previews for next week’sseason finale) about it? Finally did you, too, laugh out loud at JustinBobby’s solution to locating the missing Spencer and Heidi: “You shouldput up some signs”?

More on ‘The Hills’:
Charlize Theron has never heard of ‘The Hills’
Tom Cruise and ‘The Hills’: A match made in [you fill in the blank]
EW’s cover story on season 4 of ‘The Hills’

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