This past week, Cher and Janet Jackson announced concert delays. Below, we analyze the ”official” reported causes of notable show cancellations.
BRITNEY SPEARS 2004
Symptoms: muscle weakness due to dangerous lack of essential Cheeto vitamin; overwhelming urge to procreate with backup dancer.
AMY WINEHOUSE 2007
Incarceration of husband
Symptoms: beehive-colony-collapse disorder; sudden rash of hubby-related tattoos.
AVRIL LAVIGNE 2008
Symptoms: virulent outbreak of mall pox; eyeliner-induced conjunctivitis.
ASHLEE SIMPSON 2008
Symptoms: accelerated growth of babee in womb; spasms of glee from stealing older sister’s headlines.
JANET JACKSON 2008
Symptoms: severe whiplash following abrupt divorce from record label; a reversion to Good Times persona Penny.
Symptoms: feathers on Bob Mackie costumes molting; hallucinations of Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves.