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Gwyneth Paltrow co-stars with leather handbag in new Tod's ad

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Gwynethpaltrowbagad_lOscar winner, lovable snob, and confirmed MILF Gwyneth Paltrow has done her share of celebrity shilling (Estée Lauder perfume, charity t-shirts, etc.), and we never minded. It’s not like she’s got a rich husband to pay the bills, right? But her deal with luxury haberdasher Tod’s is feeling a little ill-fated. First, Gwynnie got slammed by PETA this summer or wearing fur in a Tod’s ad. And now the actress stars in an unintentionally hilarious six minute short film (click here to watch it), written and directed by none other than Dennis Hopper. It’s a loopy love letter to Italian cinema, circus performers, and the Tod’s Pashmy Bag, and let me just say that the whole clip packs an extraordinarily high WTF-per-minute ratio; if Hopper was shooting for Fellini, he ended up with Farrelly. Check our minute-by-minute reactions after the jump, the let us know what you think:

0:02 Wait. This thing is directed by Dennis Hopper? TheDennis Hopper? [Note: This isn’t nearly as surprising once you watchthe movie and realize that no one but Hopper could possibly have madesomething this crazy.]

0:05
“Starring Gwyneth Paltrow & The Tod’s Pashmy Bag” Ah, how the mighty have fallen. Eight years ago, she was man-handling Oscar; today, she splits top billing with leather goods.

0:31
Paltrow buys a single rose, gifts it to a street performer. Becauseshe’s JUST THAT GENEROUS. Street performer is visibly peeved to havereceived a flower instead of, say, 20 bucks, or an autograph that couldbe sold for the same amount.

0:45
Paltrow meets her superhunky Italian interviewer (let’s call him Marcello)and carefully places her Tod’s Pashmy Bag on a chair. The bag gets itsown shot and everything. At this point I’m wondering if we’re going togo down a Lars and the Real Girl road where Gwynnie starts cracking jokes with the bag. (“You know what, Pashmy? You’re no slouch! HA!”).

1:05
Paparazzi swarm the interview. Gwyneth spooks like a horse and makes arun for it—leaving her bag! Poor Pashmy, all alone with thatcut-from-marble journalist…on a beautiful day…in Italy… Hm. DidGwyneth lose the bag, or did the bag just ditch a third wheel?

1:20 “Gweenett! You bag!” Marcello chases G down the street with the purse, but she slips into a getaway car.

1:50 Marcello sulks away, looking classy and manly even with a purse over his shoulder. Damn. European guys can pull off anything.

2:00 Marcello drives up to G’s party on a Vespa. What, no gondola?

2:50 After losing G again in the din of the red carpet, Marcello gets into the party using his press pass. Or maybe just his smile…

3:15 Film geek note: is the party music actually Nino Rota, or just a soundalike?

4:20 M finally spots G, cutting a rug with some circusperformers. She looks slammin, but La Paltrow’s acting chops havehistorically hit a wall when she’s asked to feign interest in clowns(e.g., Jack Black in Shallow Hal).

4:45 Feeling a little playful, Marcello starts diggingthrough G’s purse. Does he find…sunflower seed snack packs? AColdplay album? A lock of Madonna’s hair? Nope, just her wallet. Thisis getting creepy…

5:00 M enlists a clown to give G her wallet, then her keys.Hang on a sec. A stranger is using circus freaks to give back herpossessions one by one, and this is supposed to be charming? RUN AWAY,Gwyneth!

5:50 G and Pashmy finally have a joyous reunion, followed by a dance with Marcello. Fellini rolls in his grave [<— not shown].

So what do you think PopWatchers? Is Paltrow’s ad a luxury item or just a high-price bag of crap?