I was afraid this would happen as soon as I saw you toting that green guitar on your back during SNL last weekend. “Maybe it’s just a prop,” I told myself. “A rockstar-chic thing.” Nope! You had to go and ruin a perfectly good performance of “Lollipop” by inexplicably whipping out that axe at the end of the song and attempting to play. That “solo” was embarrassing, Wayne. Just look at yourself — starting at 3:35 in the clip below, if you’ve forgotten. You’re just playing two off-key notes over and over again! I could play hotter licks than that, and I have no musical talent whatsoever.
What’s worse, you’ve been doing this for a long time. I haven’t forgotten how you used to try playing the exact same awful “riff” during performances of “Leather So Soft” last year. What, you don’t have time to practice playing a few new chords? (They have guitar lessons on the Internets now, you know. You can watch them on your bus.) I’m not the only one who’s noticed your problem, either — and some of the others aren’t using language as nice as mine. So take it from me, Weezy. You’re a great rapper. You’re an okay singer. But you are not a guitar player. If you really need to get those squealin’ guitar urges out, can I recommend Rock Band?
Your fan Simon