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Stupid Questions for Jerry O'Connell

The star of ”Do Not Disturb” on how to be a heart breaker, where his ”Stand by Me” baby fat went, and a world without ”Kangaroo Jack”

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Sure, he’s a hotel general manager in Fox’s new comedy Do Not Disturb (Wednesdays, 9:30 p.m.), but can Jerry O’Connell manage to survive Stupid Questions?

In Mariah Carey’s ”Heartbreaker” video, you play a heartbreaker. I’d like to break hearts. Three tips, please.
You have to be able to raise one eyebrow. I actually can’t do it — they did it using CGI. You need hair that’s got bounce. It moves when you scoff at someone. Because that’s what heartbreakers do: They scoff. The final tip: Just a day or two of facial growth. More than a cast member of Gossip Girl — the Ed Chestwick Begley Jr. guy — but less than George Michael. Do those three things and you’re in.

Your brother Charlie was on The Bachelor. To piss him off, do you ever shout across the table, ”Yo, boozy Bachelor from season 7 — pass the mashed potatoes!”
No, but I will pick a flower from the side of the road, sway back and forth, and say [in woozy Southern woman accent], ”Will yewww accept this California poppy?” It usually ends in a wrestling match.

Your old show Sliders depicted alternate universes. Tell me about the one in which you didn’t make Kangaroo Jack.
Very dark world. There is no happiness. It’s Blade Runner meets Brazil. You know, Kangaroo Jack helped people. It made the world a better place. In Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack Is Back, there is a possibility that there will be a freeing of Tibet.

What did you do with your baby fat from Stand by Me?
My wife says that it has become a highly sought-after injectable for lips and cheeks all over Beverly Hills. But here’s the truth: I was saving it in an airtight mason jar and it was stolen. Word is it was used in a stem cell experiment in a secret basement laboratory and I have something to do with the genetic creation of the Jonas Brothers.

Your wife is Rebecca Romijn. Should we high-five?
Yeah! [A high five occurs.]

Seriously, how’d you do it?
I don’t know! I should write a book entitled Yes, You Can. I should teach a class at the Learning Annex. I should at least be able to write an article in Maxim.

And that would be Yes, You Can! — with an exclamation point?
No. Question mark.

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