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Oscars 2017
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'Teen Choice Awards' recap: So THAT'S why people worship the Jonas Brothers!

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Jonasbrothers_lThey can FLY. I had no idea! During last night’s Teen Choice Awards, the dark ‘n’ stormy second coming of Hanson “hung out” above the crowd in a stunt almost as pointless as their steady stream of candid YouTube videos. I love how the one on the right (just looked it up: It’s Kevin!!!) seems to be carefully mapping out a route through the watermelon-gum-infused ether of teens and their choices. The trio’s flying was apparently “powered by the screams of teenage girls,” but if that were true, they would have been up there the entire time, hoisted higher and higher every time Miley Cyrus barked out something bossy and petulant. Older man Rainn Wilson only had to mention the word “brothers” for the entire audience to start SCREECHING in anticipation. Alas, the Jonas Brothers (agggggggghhhhhhhhh!) have floated up to heaven, where they’ll fit right in, because the sodas there really do cost $50.

Other Teen Choice highlights included repeated cuts to Jerry O’Connell (O’Connell Cam was to Teen Choice as Nicholson Cam is to the Oscars), Mariah Carey hitting the high notes just one shade lower than the tonal range only dogs can hear, and an award called — seriously — Choice MySpacer. (Something called a “Ryan Sheckler” won.) The winners are listed here, and this concludes the mini-est TV Watch in history. Leave your reactions to the show — and creatively spelled shrieks because I used the word “brothers” three times — in the comments. (Cranky complaints beginning with “When I was a kid…” will also suffice.)

addCredit(“The Jonas Brothers: Kevin Mazur/WireImage”)

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