As many of my colleagues know, I’m addicted to reality TV. And not just classy Bravo joints that are actually cool to reference at parties, but the cringe-inducing VH1 am-I-getting-a-disease-just-by-watching-this? programs, too. (Helpful hint: Beginning a conversation at a party by saying “Did you see that Flavor of Love episode…?” is a socially crippling experience. Unless I happen to be a fellow guest at said party, in which case I’ll gladly join you in a 30-minute conversation about the impressive trajectory of human loogies). Even my mother is starting to recognize my unhealthy obsession, as evidenced by this recent conversation:
Me: “But mom, I love crap!”
Mom: “How long until that becomes the actual name of a VH1 series?”
Actually, I’d probably watch that. In fact, the only type of reality series I probably wouldn’t watch would be one populated exclusively by the type of reality-show contestant that has irked me for years: the headstrong, ruthless player who just wants to make it clear that, no, he or she is not in the competition to “make friends.” Which makes me wonder — and I’m talking to you, Dale from Top Chef — why be so adamant about rejecting reality-show bonds? Is it so bad — Jen from Hell’s Kitchen — to sing a hypothetical round of “Kumbaya” with other contestants, seeing as you have to, you know, cook with your competition AS A TEAM? And why put your fellow housemates down — Monique from America’s Next Top Model — when you know that Tyra will ask them down the line who they think has the most potential to succeed as America’s. Next. Top. Model? So imagine my relief upon logging onto Jezebel.com and discovering that Rich Juzwiak of FourFour was kind enough to compile an expansive and hilarious collection of the “I’m not here to make friends” mantra, complete with an unexpected kicker from best Top Model contestant ever, Cycle 9’s Heather. Enjoy!