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Sound Bites: The week's best TV quotes

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”What, are you like 1 for 76 or something?”
— BEN STILLER, CONGRATULATING ROBERT DOWNEY JR. ON HIS HIT MOVIE IRON MAN, ON THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS

”Men lie. They cheat. They start wars. They’re slobs, unless they’re gay, and there’s precious few of them walking the planet worth putting on lipstick for, let alone throwing your life away, which is what you’ll be doing if you shoot your festering crap bag of a husband.”
— MARY SHANNON (MARY MCCORMACK), TO A HYSTERICAL WOMAN AIMING A GUN AT HER MATE, ON IN PLAIN SIGHT

”Dude, I’ve been having regular conversations with dead people. The last thing I need right now is paranoia.”
— HURLEY (JORGE GARCIA), WHEN SAYID (NAVEEN ANDREWS) TELLS HIM THEY’RE BEING WATCHED, ON LOST

”One plastic surgeon has written a book, My Beautiful Mommy. This book is to help kids cope with their parents’ cosmetic surgery. It is a lot more sensitive than the previous children’s book on the subject, Heather’s Mommy Has Two Expressions.”
— STEPHEN COLBERT ON THE COLBERT REPORT

Need more Sound Bites? Get your fix with a daily dose of TV’s best lines.

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