TV Squad has compiled a list of five of the TV theme songs with the worst lyrics (complete with cringeworthy credit clips). All worthy selections, but let’s dig deeper, shall we? The worst TV theme song lyrics of all time belong, of course, to Star Trek — what, you didn’t know the Trek theme (from the original 1966-69 series) had lyrics? It did, written by series creator Gene Roddenberry himself (and apparently over the objections of composer Alexander Courage), but they were never used; Roddenberry apparently wrote them only so he could grab half the publishing royalties. Anyway, thank your lucky starships that you’ve never heard anyone sing Roddenberry’s Trek lyrics because they’re horrible enough to be used as a weapon against the Romulans.
But I suppose we can’t count lyrics that didn’t actually burrow into your eardrums while you were watching the credits. I’d also nominate the lyrics for That Girl (sorry, Earle Hagen), but thankfully, the show dropped them early on for the bouncier, jazzier instrumental arrangement of the theme. The Patty Duke Show theme is also filled with howlers (“A hot dog makes her lose control”), but at least it fits the sitcom’s premise (“They’re cousins, identical cousins…”). So I’ll go with the “Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs” closer from Frasier (pictured), a show I otherwise like, but whose ending theme* grates on my ears every time I hear it. I mean, what does this non-sequitur lyric have to do with the show, anyway? (That teeth-gnashing “eggs/pegged/eggs” rhyme doesn’t help.) Plus, the melody lurches every which way like a seasick drunk on a cruise ship in a squall. It’s a perfect excuse to mute your TV, especially since Frasier‘s final gag is always performed in pantomime anyway.
Let’s hear your worst TV theme lyric suggestions below. (Clip URLs are appreciated.)
*Speaking of crazy ending themes, has anyone ever deciphered the lyrics to the closing theme of WKRP in CIncinnati? I like this song, but who the hell can make out the words?