I’ve got to hand it to the publicity team behind Scott Gertner (pictured), a Grammy-nominated R&B singer I had never heard of until his rep sent me a large white envelope boasting “Sexy Music Inside.” That got me, a connoisseur of the craptacular, to open the package immediately. After skimming the letter accompanying the sampler of this forthcoming album, Only Human — first line, “When was the last time music truly made you feel sexy inside?”; last line, “I will be calling soon to get your input and see if you’re feeling sexy.” — I did what anyone would do: Yell across the hall to the nearest colleague (lucky, Jennifer Armstrong!) and kindly demand that she please report to me. After Jennifer retraced my steps, she agreed that we had to put in the CD stat. While I’m strongly anti-passion talking, which is how Gertner opens the title track (“As a man, sometimes I feel very vulnerable, by showing my emotions. Why? When you do it, you’re not vulnerable…”), I’ll admit that there was some evidence of grooving when the beat kicked in. (See: Jennifer swaying with her arms above her head, only 70 percent ironically.)
Sadly, Armstrong wasn’t around later when I visited Gertner’s MySpace page and discovered his song, “TKO,” which could, quite possibly, feature the worst passion talking ever: “Come here. Ah. Come on. Ah. Damn. Come here. Sit right next to me. Just look at you. But before you do, could you put on those baby blue panties? The ones with the lace down the side. Make you feel like pure silk.” Am I right? Or can you think of a song that tops it?