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Scott Brown's Hit List

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1 Oprah Winfrey goes vegan for 21 days
For the next three weeks, all her studio audiences will find under their seats is bean curd.

2 At charity auction in Cannes, Madonna says a kiss from her would cost no less than $1 million
She then announced that she would also accept three barrels of light sweet crude.

3 ”Cougars” declare love for David Cook
But white working-class pumas broke overwhelmingly for Hillary.

4 Hugh Hefner reportedly wants Robert Downey Jr. to play him on screen
Quoth Hef: ”He’s the only actor who can really capture my rakish charm and robotic exoskeleton.”

5 Mad Money host Jim Cramer to give NASCAR fans straight talk on the economy in TV special
Here’s my advice: If you’re watching those cars instead of driving them, start boiling your shoes now so they’ll be tender enough to eat by January.

6 Richard Dreyfuss to play Dick Cheney in Oliver Stone’s W
Appropriate, considering his last few movies have opened in undisclosed locations.

7 Jessica Alba may be planning a second wedding
All that Texas polygamy coverage just made it look so sexy and chic.

8 Sex tape shown at R. Kelly trial
Not any R. Kelly sex tape. Just a little something the defense whipped up to get everyone ”in the mood.”

9 Stage musical about Nelson Mandela in the works
I dunno. For sheer accuracy regarding modern African culture, it’ll be hard to beat The Lion King.

10 Rappers including Kanye West and Method Man sued for allegedly sampling jazz
In a written apology to Kenny G, the rappers said, ”We’re sorry. It was the smoothness we couldn’t resist.”