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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

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”First of all, I am not attracted to Orson. I mean, that’d be like having sex with PBS.”
EDIE (NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN), ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”Most people have. It’s also a noun.”
HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), WHEN INTRODUCED TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY’VE HEARD OF HIM, ON HOUSE

”I’m afraid of them, like, pecking my eyes out, you know, because I want to see, like, and I like seeing things, and, like, I definitely need my eyes.”
STEPHANIE, UPON VIEWING A CHICKEN UP CLOSE FOR THE FIRST TIME, ON FARMER WANTS A WIFE

”Even you should know that jealousy clashes with L.L. Bean pants.”
JENNY (TAYLOR MOMSEN), TO DAN (PENN BADGLEY), AFTER HE CRITIQUES HER BOYFRIEND, ON GOSSIP GIRL

”Normally, your ballroom dancing reminds me a bit of Britney Spears getting out of a car: not very elegant. You sometimes see odd things you’d rather not.”
LEN GOODMAN, TO CONTESTANT MARIO, ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

”Don’t pout. You haven’t the lips for it.”
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), TELLING MARC NOT TO MAKE A FACE, ON UGLY BETTY

”Meg, we’ve been over this. You’re going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.”
PETER GRIFFIN (SETH MACFARLANE), TO HIS DAUGHTER (MILA KUNIS) WHEN SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO BE A VET WHEN SHE GROWS UP, ON FAMILY GUY

”Reverend Jeremiah White…has been dominating cable news coverage like a missing white girl.”
JON STEWART, ON SENATOR BARACK OBAMA’S ONE-TIME PASTOR, ON THE DAILY SHOW

”Released today, the videogame Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker — but don’t want to leave the house.”
CRAIG FERGUSON, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

”Today’s New York Daily News claims that former Yankee Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with another woman. Apparently, Clemens would start having sex with her and then Mariano Rivera would come in and finish.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”She didn’t behave any better in jail. She tried to escape by combing her hair into the shape of a gun.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, DISCUSSING AMY WINEHOUSE’S ARREST, ON THE LATE SHOW

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