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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

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”Here’s a picture of Amy Winehouse taking out the trash. And here’s a picture of Zac Efron getting gas. Here’s a picture of Paris Hilton reading to her friend in a coma. They really are just like us!”
CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), READING TO THE COMATOSE EARL (JASON LEE), ON MY NAME IS EARL

”I don’t look. Okay, once. But with Shaq you kind of have to.”
RICK FOX (AS HIMSELF), ABOUT CHECKING OUT THE SIZE OF OTHER MEN’S ”GOODS” IN THE LOCKER ROOM, ON THE GAME

”Hillary Clinton on Tuesday said she is not a quitter and compared herself to Rocky Balboa…the washed-up, over-the-hill white contender, who despite a Herculean effort is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy.”
SETH MEYERS ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice presidential candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on Matlock.”
CONAN O’BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN

”She’s not here. She’s probably at a meeting of Daughters Who Refuse to Do One Thing to Please Their Mother’s club.”
REGINA (JEAN SMART), LAMENTING HER BAD DAUGHTER SAMANTHA (CHRISTINA APPLEGATE), ON SAMANTHA WHO?

”I look at this picture, Anya, and I think ‘H20-no you didn’t, girl!’ It’s fierce.”
TYRA BANKS TO MODEL ANYA, AFTER SHE ROCKS AN UNDERWATER PHOTO SHOOT, ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

”The scent disappears quickly, but comes back again 15 years later.”
JOEL McHALE ON PATRICK DEMPSEY BEING NAMED THE NEW FACE OF AVON?S FRAGRANCE FOR MEN, ON THE SOUP

”New Rule: Stop giving me news about Heidi and Spencer. I don’t know who Heidi is. I don?t know who Spencer is. I don’t know what they do or why they’re in the news. I just know I want them to die.”
BILL MAHER, IN HIS ”NEW RULES” SEGMENT, ON REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

”Another anniversary — folks like snack food? Today is the 78th birthday of the Twinkie. Seventy-eighth birthday of the Twinkie, and they have the first one, and right there on the wrapper, back there 78 years ago, right there on the wrapper it says, ‘Best by 2012.’ ”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

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