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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

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”I’d never seen Lisa look so defeated. It was like seeing a proud elephant reduced to peanut tricks at the zoo. Except the zoo is high school and Lisa’s body is smoking hot.”
BECKY (JUDY GREER), ABOUT HER FEMME-FATALE COWORKER AND HIGH SCHOOL NEMESIS (BROOKE BURNS), ON MISS GUIDED

”I haven’t seen dancing like that since my Broadway show Dancing Like That. Closed in a week. Too smart for the corndog crowd, too dumb for the bagel bunch.”
BALLET TEACHER CHAZZ BUSBY (HANK AZARIA), TO STUDENT MARGE (JULIE KAVNER), ON THE SIMPSONS

”I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.”
ALAN (JON CRYER), ACKNOWLEDGING THE FEW TOPICS ON WHICH HE’LL TRUST CHARLIE’S (CHARLIE SHEEN) OPINIONS, ON TWO AND A HALF MEN

”Tune in next week as she sings ‘God Bless America,’ the following week as she brings home ‘America the Beautiful,’ and watch it continue until the big finale when she invades Iran.”
JOEL McHALE, ABOUT KRISTY LEE COOK’S AMERICAN IDOL SUCCESS SINGING ”GOD BLESS THE U.S.A.,” ON THE SOUP

”My purity pledge group is playing Bible jeopardy tonight. There’s free refreshments and girls?well, I mean there was a girl?one time. I think it was a girl. I’m almost positive. Last time, I won the entire Rascal Flatts catalogue?on CD!”
DALE (CLARK DUKE), OFFERING UP PLANS FOR HIS ROOMMATES ON A BORING FRIDAY NIGHT, ON GREEK

”He came at you. You moved away. He came again. ‘Don’t touch what you can’t afford, sunshine.’ But no, he came on. You gave him a quick flick up the codpiece, and on with the dance! Passion, drama, fire and ice. Great!”
LEN GOODMAN, RECAPPING PRISCILLA PRESLEY AND LOUIS VAN AMSTEL’S TANGO, ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

”He’s the Bobby Knight of competitive dancing.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ADAM CAROLLA’S CALLING DANCING WITH THE STARS JUDGE CARRIE ANN INABA A BITCH, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

”Yes, comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of Jingle all the Way. Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with…Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something, ‘Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?”’
CRAIG FERGUSON, ON HILLARY CLINTON’S FALSE CLAIMS OF HAVING BEEN UNDER FIRE IN THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA, ON THE LATE, LATE SHOW

”I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHop….He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, ‘I’m in aisle three, Marge. I can’t find the brownie mix. I don’t see it anywhere.”’
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

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