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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

TV’s funniest lines from March 18 to 24. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

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”Last night, as I was surfing the Internets…literally: My backyard wave pool has Wi-Fi?”
STEPHEN COLBERT ON THE COLBERT REPORT

”Riddle me this: Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed…why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot? Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes!”
SHELDON (JIM PARSONS), EXPLAINING THE NEW ADDITION TO THE TERMINATOR FRANCHISE, ON THE BIG BANG THEORY

”Carol, you’re fired. You did amazing. You did amazing. You’re fired?. Carol, you did amazing. Get the hell out of here.”
DONALD TRUMP, FIRING CAROL ALT IN HIS TYPICALLY UNIQUE MANNER, ON THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

”Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp?my bread and butter. So I’m guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze? Unless that’s a gang tattoo, in which case I think it’s time to find a new gang.”
DERMATOLOGIST STELLA (SARAH CHALKE), ON TED’S (JOSH RADNOR) BACK TATTOO, ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

”You know what they say, Spitter. Dump me once, shame on you. Dump me seven times, shame on me. And also, shame on guys who wear …braided belts, they…. just give me the willies.”
CAPPIE (SCOTT M. FOSTER), AFTER RUSTY (JACOB ZACHAR) SUGGEST HE TRY TO GET CASEY (SPENCER GRAMMER) BACK, ON GREEK

”Look, I didn’t mean to tell you how to do your job, Freely. But she should know better than to get a nose job during the school year. You save that for summer vacation. It’s like you don’t even watch The Hills.”
BRUCE (CHRIS PARNELL), SCHOOLING BECKY (JUDY GREER) IN THE WAYS OF VAPID TEENAGERS ON, MISS GUIDED

”A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a ‘cold one.”’
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

Sound Bites Poll

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