Entertainment Weekly

Stay Connected

Subscribe

Advertise With Us

Learn More

Skip to content

Article

TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

TV’s funniest lines from March 4 to 10. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

Posted on

”Oh boy, dinnertime! The perfect break between work and drunk.”
HOMER (DAN CASTELLANETA) ON THE SIMPSONS

”If he couldn’t hear me because there was mud in his ears from being dragged through it, it’s not my fault.”
JOEL, AFTER PUTTING SAID MUD IN SAID EARS OF CHET BY VIOLENTLY PULLING THROUGH A CHALLENGE, ON SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA

”It’s stressful being an Other, Jack.”
JULIET (ELIZABETH MITCHELL), EXPLAINING TO JACK (MATTHEW FOX) WHY HIS ISLAND NEMESES HAD A RESIDENT PSYCHOTHERAPIST, ON LOST

”It’s in the garage. Boxes are marked ‘whore.”’
HALEY (BETHANY JOY GALEOTTI), AFTER CARRIE (TORREY DEVITTO) — THE EX-NANNY WHO HIT ON HER HUSBAND — STOPS BY TO PICK UP HER THINGS, ON ONE TREE HILL

”That’s why the Middle East loves George Bush. Without him, oil prices plummet, the Middle Eastern revenue streams dry up, and the terrorists have to work second jobs at Bennigan’s. Or the Middle Eastern equivalent: Applebee’s.”
AASIF MANDVI, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

”It’s a little Mail Order Bride No. 1.”
PAULINA PORIZKOVA, DESCRIBING KATARZYNA’S LINGERIE PHOTO SHOOT, ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

”Have you ever stumbled upon two crazy homeless women having a conversation?”
JOEL McHALE, ON TYRA BANKS’ INTERVIEW WITH JANET JACKSON, ON THE SOUP

”Mike Huckabee finally dropped out and said he is joining forces with John McCain. Oh, that’s great, a guy who doesn’t believe in evolution with a guy who remembers it.”
BILL MAHER, ON REAL TIME

”There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he’s a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer and Clinton has accused Obama’s people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!

”Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress.”
CRAIG FERGUSON, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

Sound Bites Poll