We resume our America’s Next Top Doll series with judgments already in progress…
Tyra: Today’s guest judge is Benny Ninja, who taught you all about movement, product placement, and how to be fierce… at Target!!!
Models: [Unenthusiastically.] Whooo!
Twiggy: Where on Earth did Benny Ninja go?
[Benny Ninja leaps out from underneath Twiggy’s seat, like a deranged Jack-in-the-Box.]
Benny Ninja: SURPRISE!
Twiggy: Good ‘eavens!
Benny Ninja: [Crawling across judges’ table.] House of Tarjay is in effect!
Tyra: So this week’s photo shoot was all about selling Target stemwear, and we had you posing in groups of three, draping yourselves across giant, fabulous cocktail glasses. And I have some exciting news: The winning photograph from this week’s shoot will appear in Target ads running in local Penny Savers nationwide.
Benny Ninja: [Taking his seat with a flourish of jazz hands.] A Benny saved is a Benny… Ninja!
Tyra: The first group up for evaluation is Hawaiielle, Hellaciouse, and Audrexinia. Ladies, here’s your best shot.
Miss J: More like here’s your best shot glass!
Nigel: Hawaiielle, you naughty little monkey. The body positioning is very, very provocative.
Twiggy: It’s truly incredible the way you just hurled yourself backwards over that tumbler.
Miss J: But if you take away that incredible pose, what are you left with?
addCredit(“America’s Next Top Model dolls: Michael Slezak”)
Tyra: Hellaciouse, what’s going on with your booty? It’s looking all kinds of scrunched up in the bottom of that martini glass.
Hellaciouse: Well, it was a really awkward shape to sit in.
Tyra: You can’t overthink these situations. Sometimes you just haveto let go of your mind and your muscle control and just let your bootybe, you know what I mean?
Tyra: Do it now. Let your booty be.
[Hellaciouse sways uncomfortably in front of the judges’ table.]
Tyra: Let your booty be!
[Hellaciouse goes limp from the waist down and falls to the floor.]
Tyra: Very good, Hellaciouse.
Nigel: Audrexinia, I really don’t understand what you’re trying to do in this photo.
Audrexinia: The photographer had me standing on my head for 45 minutes.
Tyra: That’s not any excuse for losing your focus.
Miss J: And we know from experience that this isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself at the bottom of a wine glass.
Tyra: Let’s take a look at the closeup.
Twiggy: Hellaciouse, when your eyes catch the light and go sort of translucent, I don’t like that. I find it very disturbing.
Nigel: I agree. I have a problem with your eyes, too.
Benny Ninja: So does the House of Ninja!
Tyra: You need to make sure the light is coming out of your eyes, not just going into them.
Nigel: And Audrexinia, whether or not you’re feeling dizzy andnauseous from a rush of blood to the head, you have to make surenothing gets between your face and the camera’s lens. Not even Hawaiielle’s sensational legs.
Tyra: Thank you, ladies.