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'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Beyond horseplay

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Omarosa_l

Omarosa_lWhat a perfect Valentine’s Day episode, eh, PopWatchers? Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice came complete with passion, fire and — most of all — warm fuzzies. Yes, for the first time in Apprentice history, The Donald opted to fire none of Empresario’s team members, if only because they were just so gosh darn nice. And could you really blame The Donald’s decision? Once Project Manager Trace told Trump that he wouldn’t resign because he was fighting for his charity, you knew there was no way the mogul could resist the country star’s puppy dog eyes and fire anyone. 

Of course, those warm fuzzies only existed in the episode’s final moments. Because as much as we would like to think that this week’s show was focused on charity, love and friendship, it really was focused on the two figures who define spite and cruelty: Omarosa (pictured) and Piers. Though I admittedly have been impressed with Omarosa and her restraint over the course of the season, all respect I had for the celebutard went out the window after last night’s show. We’ll touch on that some more later, but let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

After Omarosa avoided elimination last week in lieu of Nely’s ouster, we got a glimpse at her horns once she claimed she liked Nely, but knew exactly what she had to do to stay alive in the boardroom (and based on that cleavage-amping blazer she wore, I’d say she knows exactly how to capture The Donald’s affections). The girls may have no longer appeared to be a threat to Hydra — what with their five losses in six weeks — but that certainly didn’t keep the men from unleashing their regular tirade against women. It’s bad enough that Lennox let a sexist remark slip last week, but now Tito joined in the ribbing by saying he felt bad that Stephen Baldwin — who I will refer to as Stevie B from here on out — had to answer to four women.

Luckily for Stevie B, however, Trump decided to mix up the teams in order to give the women a chance in hell of winning something.Empresario now consisted of Trace, Marilu, Tito and Stephen, whileHydra’s reformed team was made up of Lennox, Omarosa, Piers and Carol(poor, poor Carol). Trump claimed the two teams were evenly matched — andthey may have been in terms of star power — but it was fairly obviousthat there was very little chance that Hydra would gather round thecampfire to sing a rendition of “Kumbaya.” Nor would any of them bewilling to take a horse-and-carriage ride together, if this week’schallenge called for it (it did). Nope, it seems Cupid neglected toshoot any arrows at Hydra’s new team members last night, and thestrongest personalities of the bunch (Piers and Omarosa, of course)were at each other’s throats within minutes. The little angel onOmarosa’s shoulder may have told her to play nice during last week’sepisode, but this week, her personal demons certainly got the best ofher. In possibly the most despicable move in all Apprentice — or maybe even reality TV — history (not counting any material from The Bad Girls’ Club,of course), Omarosa decided to rile Piers up by reminding him of hisless-than-stable family life. I know that the reality TV “star” likesto stir the pot for the sake of good television, but there comes apoint when it’s just downright cruel. Very rarely do I feel for Celebrity Apprentice’s attention-seeking “celebrities” (let alone a tabloid king), but my sympathy did go out to Piers last night.

Alas, it’s Valentine’s Day, my friends, and I’m not really in themood to focus on the negative. Enough with the bad and ugly. Let’sfocus on the good. As vile as most of these celebrities are, gosh darnit, it is really hard to dislike good ol’ country boy Trace. Though heautomatically loses a few points in my book just by joining the cast ofCelebrity Apprentice, dude has proved that he is just adownright good guy and quite the talented marketer. And if hisperformance so far on the show wasn’t enough to prove his talent, I’mfairly certain he was plotting the lyrics to a new country song rightthen and there in Central Park. Come on, you know that “I’m Gonna Shovea Bottle Rocket Up My Horse’s Ass” is a country hit in the making.

Trace’s wit and “aw-shucks” attitude, however, was just onehighlight of last night’s episode. We knew that we would be seeing somereal celebrities during the course of the challenge, and Empresario didnot disappoint with their numerous cameos. For one, as with everycelebrity-centric challenge on Celebrity Apprentice, a Baldwinmade an appearance to help up the ante for Stevie B’s team. It’s a goodthing Stevie B has a bevy of siblings more famous than he is to helpthe sucker out. And Billy Baldwin — a.k.a. the brother not on CelebrityRehab — certainly lent a hand: he was even willing to take a carriageride with random people, because, let’s face it, he is a Baldwin and ifhis first name isn’t Alec, he’s pretty much desperate for affirmationfrom random people.

The comedy hit its climax as soon as Tito’s girlfriend Jenna Jamesonshowed up to take a carriage ride with her man and drop a one-liner ortwo (though John Rich did make his own attempt at humor: “Well, theydon’t call me John Rich for nothing.” Oy. Don’t quit your dayjob, friend). No, Jenna wasn’t eating a hot dog this time (sorry boys),but she donated $1,000 to Empresario, and asserted her affinity forwinning: “I like to dominate.” Not that it was easy to decipher thewords struggling to come out of those giant lips, but she did make afunny nonetheless.

Aside from all the humor and charm that Empresario brought to theirchallenge last night, the episode was ultimately unsatisfying, as bothof Celebrity Apprentice’s most reviled cast members were ableto dodge their respective bullets by somehow pulling off the win lastnight. I have to give props to Piers for calling out Omarosa in theboardroom, but I was quite disappointed that The Donald wouldn’t fireher then and there.

What did you think, PopWatchers? Were you disappointed that Omarosadidn’t get sent packing? Did any of you find it amusing that Trump hadto ask our celebrities if they knew what a horse-and-carriage ride was?And, finally, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, which one of ourcelebrities would you most want to take a horse-and-carriage ride with?