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Scott Brown's Hit List

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1 Kate Walsh says her dog okayed her husband
Translated, the dog’s affectionate barks meant, ”He smells like week-old beef drippings. Keep him!”

2 Nic Cage sues Kathleen Turner for making accusations that include dog theft
Defending himself, Cage says he was simply researching his upcoming role in National Schnauzer: Bark of Secrets.

3 Frances Bean Cobain declares ”I’m not my parents”
”For instance,” she added, ”I won’t name my offspring after a legume.”

4 American mystery writer James Patterson declared ”Most Borrowed Author” in British libraries
Responding to the news, one of Patterson’s co-writers said in a short statement, ”Suck it, Shakespeare!”

5 Colin Farrell walks into a Russian bath
And the doorman asks, ‘Where’s the rabbi and the priest?’

6 Tony Parker says time is not right to start a family
Asked what time would be right, he replied, ”You know, when Eva and I are on our feet, feeling a little more financially secure.”

7 Barack Obama wins a Grammy
Humble in victory, he declared closest rival 50 Cent ”likable enough.”

8 Cameron Diaz and Ellen Pompeo reportedly eyeing same New York City apartment
The New York real estate media are already framing this as ”experience versus change.”

9 David Beckham cheek-kiss makes woman faint
Although this may be because Posh coats key regions of Beckham with rat poison.

10 Paris Hilton reportedly swings from chandelier
She then proceeded to raise the roof, bounce off the walls, and literalize several other dusty clich├ęs.

For all the latest headlines, pictures, and ridiculous Hollywood miscellany, visit popwatch.ew.com

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