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Live-blogging the Grammy Awards

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Aliciakeys_l

Aliciakeys_lHello, Grammys-viewing P-Dubs. Welcome to Round 2 of Leah and Annie Cook It Up In Carroll Gardens! Ms. Greenblatt and I have been live-blogging the Grammys red carpet for the past two hours, but we’re more than ready for the real awards to start. We’ve got so many snacks and so much to say, and we’ll try not to let the depletion of that first category affect our output of the second. A key word for this would be “try.” Look at us being responsible Internet journalists. We are clearly so ready. START THE SHOW.

Leah: And the show begins! With the latest, the hottest… Frank Sinatra.Kind of a great archival clip. And Alicia Keys is pulling a Natalie-and-Nat-King-Cole “Beyond the Dead” duet.
Annie: I wonder how many times the word “classy” was thrown around during the brainstorming sesh for this number.
Leah: This is actually a tiny bit creepy.
Annie: It really is. Are they harmonizing or not? I mean, yes, but NO in that he does not really exist. What does it all mean?!
Leah: I wonder how many times Alicia will change her outfit tonight? I will say four.
Annie: Five. Preferably in the order of the rainbow… backwards.
Leah: ROY G BIV!

Leah: Carrie Underwood: Also on dress no. 2. Not so much dress as catsuit hooker onesie. And apparently performing the Blue Man Group version of “Before He Cheats.”
Annie: Whoa, sparkly! The writhing dancers seem kind of out of place in this setting.
Leah: It looks like that thing Angelina wore in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when she snapped the bad guy’s neck with her thighs or whatever.
Annie: Ha! Carrie could totally do that, especially since she’d have the aid of the extra leg sparkles.
Leah: OMG. Does Prince ever age??
Annie: Nope!
Leah: OK, Best Female R&B Vocal. Alicia Keys didn’t even have time to change her dress dammit! She wins for “No One.” And No One is surprised.
Leah: It is such a Paisley Park night so far. The Time is reuniting! Morris Day clearly is not aging either. What do these people drink? The blood of baby rabbits?
Annie: R is for…rabbits. And Rihanna!
Annie: I kind of wish that Time guy was still keyboarding-while-dancing for this Rihanna number.
Leah: They’re doing a sort of Tom Jones Vegas thing with “Umbrella”…
Annie: Whoa medley!
Leah: It’s a mother-effing medley!! She seems to be wearing an emu, gathered together by a patent leather heavyweight champ belt.
Annie: Okay, awkward ending. Did they need four different poses?
Leah: Morris Day will seduce you on a bearskin rug, ladies. Believe it.

Annie: Tom Hanks… won’t.
Leah: Why hello there, Tom Hanks! You are inducting The Band! And possibly mocking Canadians. Well done. But why is he explaining the Beatles to us? Those little underdogs.
Annie: I actually had no idea who The Beatles were so THANKS HANKS.
Leah: Illuminating! And some lady is spinning on a ribbon. Not totally getting the connection. Cirque de so-LAME is what I say.
Annie: I kind of hate being shown how “A Day in the Life” is supposed to look.
Leah: Well it certainly looks like a day from my life. I’m always ribbon-spinning. Especially during meetings.
Annie: Do you die at the end of meetings to the tune of a possibly-never-ending chord?
Leah: Is that the little boy from I’m Not There? The one who plays the littlest Bob Dylan?
Leah: I’m not moved.
Annie: I’m entirely still. By the way, shout-out to “bored” for wondering if Gary Coleman was singing!

Leah: Is Miley Cyrus kind of condescending to Cyndi Lauper like she’s her batty old aunt? Amy Winehouse wins Best Artist! Cyndi is peeing herself with glee.
Annie: Can Jason Bateman please host the whole show?
Leah: Grammys by Bluth?
Annie: I want this to happen so bad, I just blue myself.
Leah: And now we’re having some kind of Pants-Off Dance-Off, but with orchestra people playing Zeppelin. And then we have to vote for one via text? Confused.
Annie: What just happened?

Leah: Daft Punk and Kanye West.
Annie: I just had a horrible panic attack that the opening beats to this was actually “Gimme More”
Leah: I like how Kanye censors his swears so professionally. And his suit and glasses glow. Mr. West is radioactive, yo.
Annie: No way can he see right now!
Leah: But why does he have a tail? There’s something hanging from the back of his pants. Maybe Tom Hanks stuck it there. What a prankster!
Annie: This is like Cats… with pyro
Annie: Yesssss Daft Punk are Kanye’s robot minions, mixin’ it up.
Leah: I love that Daft Punk could be like two kids from Omaha, and we wouldn’t know the difference. They never ever take off their masks. They are so French and mysterious. Sacre Bleu!
Leah: Oh Jesus. Kanye’s singing “Hey Mama” right now, and almost breaking down. This might be the first genuine emotion of the show. And the last.
Annie: :(
Annie: Are we gonna cry? Let’s cry.
Leah: Yes. Let’s.
Leah: That really was lovely. Now, Fergie and John Legend are piling it on with “Finally.” It’s her next single, and it’s kind of amazing. Look for it next year at 0396856 Idol auditions.
Annie: Nice 0 at the beginning of that. Makes it more like an official serial number. I will not be editing it out despite your very recent verbal suggestion.

Leah: Not sure I loved that version of Fergie’s actually. Trying a little too hard for heavy-osity.
Leah: But John Legend presents Best Soundtrack to Love, with only Sir George Martin and Ringo there to accept, as far as OG Beatles go. Ringo is wearing the same fabric as Carrie Underwood! But with less hot-pants action
Annie: You’re right! Ringo clearly wants to be on Dancing With the Stars. Look at that suit. He’s beggin for it!
Leah: Well, if Heather Mills can do it with one leg…
Annie: Ringo so has two legs. He’s in.

Leah: We have seen John Legend now in ads for Baileys and for Target. He is a busy corporate bee.
Annie: Does this guy love to sell s— or what?

Annie: Oh crap — a giant chrome-colored taffeta bird ate Cher and then decided to impersonate her!
Leah: Cher is also wearing the Ringo black and silver sparkles. Was there a big stylist run at Fabric World?
Leah: Beyonce is doing some kind of Fosse number in a lime-green metallic leotard. While running a spoken-word intro for Tina Turner. Tina? Sexiest.Sixtysomething.Ever.
Annie: That outfit is BRAVE.
Leah: “What’s Love Got to Do With It”? EVERYTHING, TINA.
Annie: She looks awesome. I’m just afraid if she wobbles too far to one side she’ll just fall over because the outfit is possibly constructed of metal.
Leah: ZZ Top is all, yeah, she’s got legs. If they were there, they would be, at least.  Now it’s “You Better Be Good to Me.” Shout-out to the dearly-departed Ike Turner? Unlikely.
Annie: The Grammys are SO SPARKLY this year.
Leah: Tina’s boobies are a-jostling! Beyonce ditched the leotard for silver sparkles, and they’re dueting on “Proud Mary.”
Leah: Oh, they’re teasing us! Beyonce is in Tina Heaven. Loving it. It’s like the magical meeting of the Power Thighs with these two.
Annie: This rules!
Leah: Rollin, Rollin’, Rollin’ on the Grammys!
Annie: I love the “Tina & Beyonce” banner… for our information.
Leah: Just keeping you informed Annie.
Annie: Strictly rollin’… VIP.

Leah: Ok please, a moratorium on all these random TV starlets.
Leah: Song of the Year, which goes to the songwriter, not the artist, presented by Andy Williams and Nelly Furtado and that TV chick. And the winner is… Amy Winehouse! Who wrote it and sang it! And is still not there! But coming via satellite soon.
Annie: The Thai food we ordered 20 minutes ago also better be coming via satellite soon.

Annie: Over at the Jason Bateman soundstage…
Leah: The Foo Fighters with John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin on the outdoor stage (?), performing “The Pretender.” I would just like to point out for the record that I once beat all four members of the band at ping pong over consecutive days. But John Paul and I have yet to meet on the court.
Annie: ?!?!
Leah: George Lopez, and he’s gettin’ political. Cyndi Lauper is enjoying.
Annie: Lopez/Lauper for America! Remember to vote.
Leah: Brad Paisley is going to sing to us of ticks. we are scratching already!
Annie: Tick check!
Annie: I’m clean.
Annie: I thought I had one on my knuckle but it’s one of those tiny pieces of tofu they put in pad thai.
Leah: Brad’s married to the girl who was the daughter in Father of the Bride. You’re welcome for useless information!
Annie: OMG Annie Banks! One of the best father-daughter relationships centered around love and basketball ever on film. Yay!

Leah: Chris Brown, Solange and Akon, presenting, what is this? The fourth award in an hour and a half? Solange looks like a Victorian widow. Akon looked like he just re-watched The Matrix. And the winner for best rap album is….KANYE!
Annie: He seems so much harder faster stronger already.
Leah: Kanye removes his Ray-Bans for no man. Nor awards show.
Annie: What’s his awesome jacket trying to tell us? I’m having the worst time decoding it!
Annie: I L-O-V-E M-Y-S-E-L-F S-O M-U-C-H.
Leah: NIce shout out to Common (dis) and Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse (they should win if he doesn’t). Also, shames the musical-cue people into stopping the get-off-the-stage song so he can honor his recently deceased mother; crowd cheers wildly.

Leah: Aretha Franklin’s bosom is like a continental shelf. In yellow chiffon.
Annie: Is that like a tectonic plate?
Leah: Not sure what the peg is for this performance? Maybe we missed it.
Leah: It builds continents, Annie. Continents!
Annie: NEW CONTINENT ALERT.
Leah: OK, Aretha is a national treasure, and everybody sings onstage right now real good, but this show is going to go til Tuesday if we don’t hand out some farkin awards soon. I’m going to have a spring roll and wait it out. Annie?
Annie: This is taking forever. What is going on? More important, what should I watch: this performance or you eating a spring roll? You’re so much cuter.
Leah: I could eat closer the screen! Problem solved. Oh Lordy here comes the entire gospel chorus. They’re turning it up to 11 now!
Annie: It’s really weird how much is happening on-screen compared to how little is happening in this room. We’re just… chewing. And typing. They are doing EVERYTHING.
Leah: Quiet storm, people. That’s what we have brewing here. And one endless medley.
Leah: PopWatchers, please inform us. Is Mary J. Blige boycotting? She was supposed to be dueting with Aretha. Man in strange paint-spatter suit = poor substitute.

Annie: Where’s the iPod? I feel lost.
Leah: Feist is doing The Apple Ad Song. Actually written by an Australian artist named New Buffalo… look her up! Feist seems kind of freaked out She’s going for minimal eye contact and none of her rainbow dancers.
Annie: Who invited Kid Rock? Awkward.
Leah: Kid Rock is making sex jokes with an octogenarian! Who doesn’t love that?
Annie: This is delightfully awful.
Annie: Leah just said “They’re so doin’ it later” with her mouth full.
Leah: And the winner of Best Rock Album? Foo Fighters. We were thinking Bruce Springsteen, but we thought wrong. Still, the Foos are sweetly grateful. And whoa, Pat Smear is back. Crazy! He’s got his arm around Keeley. Kid Rock, watch your back bro.

Leah: Ladies and Gentlemen, Stevie Wonder!
Annie: About to pounce!
Leah: He loves those Nehru collars.
Leah: And honoring Barry Gordy, founder of Motown records and ex of Diana Ross. We have a publicist here at EW named Barrie Gordon. She and Ms. Ross are just friends.
Annie: Okay, Alicia’s good but (Michael Bluth shout-out alert)… Her? Again?
Leah: Alicia is in bangs and leather leggings, singing “No One.” Serious door-knocker earrings. Let’s call them towel rings.
Annie: I was just going to say, I don’t think everything’s gonna be all right with her earlobes after this.
Leah: And even though I was suffering from Alicia fatigue a few minutes ago, she is KILLING it right now. My heart just fluttered. Or maybe that’s the spring rolls?
Annie: My gut totally fluttered too.
Annie: This build ruies.
Leah: I think one could accurately say they brought the house down.

Leah: Ringo and Dave Stewart from the Eurhymics are secret twins!
Annie: Not anymore!
Leah: They’re awarding Best Country Album. Vince Gill, a consolation perhaps for the fact that he won’t win Best Album up against Amy, Foos, etc?
Annie: Vince just schooled Kanye!
Leah: Vince Gill made a funny! Seriously. That was great.

Leah: Joe Mantegna intros Herbie Hancock, and a very classy orchestra.
Annie: Ooh, you go, clarinetist!
Leah: Clarinetist was flowing like the Ganges, for real.
Leah: P.S. memo to angry commenters. We honestly DO know who the Winans are; BeBe and CeCe and Marvin and… ok, that’s all we can remember. But seriously, our apologies, we missed the intro in our mad frenzy to keep you all up to date.
Annie: P.P.S. My glazed-over eyes lost the ability to focus about 30 minutes ago and I’ve just been typing on faith.

Leah: Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, no surprise it went to ella, ella, ella. Jay-Z is furthering the funny. Leah and Annie also aspire to refer to themselves in the third person. Rihanna is 19, which means she actually gets genuinely excited by the Grammys. It’s nice.
Leah: Captain Random alert: Cuba Gooding Jr. is introducing Amy Winehouse
Annie: Joined by lots of people in London who like to sit around until 3:42 a.m.
Leah: She looks sentient! Even doing tiny dance moves, in a tiny black dress.
Annie: This is pretty good so far…considering.
Leah: Not to be naive, but she seems more super, super nervous than loaded.
Annie: She seems really hyper-aware of everything… she’d have to be, because she’s adding about 20 body jerks to each line.
Leah: Every show I’ve seen her play she looks pretty much like this: nervous as heck. Then the tics start coming.
Annie: Can I get a tic check?
Leah: The Dap Kings are so… dapper! And now we’re done with “You Know I’m No Good” and doing, yes yes yes, “Rehab.” Ooh, she just said “I’d rather be at home with my Blake” instead of “home with Ray”… shout out to her jailed better (worser?) half. Maybe he made a break for it and he’s hiding in the hair.
Leah: Amy Winehouse wins Record of the Year and she’s TOTALLY. FLIPPING. OUT.
Annie: My Blake incarcerated.
Leah: Poetry!

Leah: Hey Neil Portnow! Do not want. We no care.
Annie: He practiced that in the mirror so many times.
Leah: Lucky us!
Annie: He’s got some slight surfer hair going on in the natural light.
Leah: Annie, you are a smitten kitten. His voice is like cognac, no?
Annie: Yes. I have a crush on President/CEO of the Recording Academy Neil Portnow.

Annie: Look, it’s Schroeder.
Leah: Oh god, the annual Death Parade. And now a tribute to Pavoratti starring Josh Groban. Aw, Andrea Bocelli and Stevie Wonder, that’s so unfair that blind guys have to memorize their intros because they can’t read the telemprompter.
Leah: Josh Groban sounds like he eats too much dairy!
Leah: Mucousy.
Annie: How do you even know that?
Leah: Trust. I know.
Annie: Tale as old as tiiiiiiime… Tune as old as soooooong…
Leah: I was thinking more Fievel maybe? That little movie mouse?
Annie: Sure, why not? YES. COMMERCIAL.

Annie: Bonnie Raitt, lookin’ great in ’08!
Leah: Jerry Lee Lewis, John Fogerty and Little Richard. They’re the new power trio. Not a lot of camera love for Little Richard so far. Did we mishear?
Annie: Spotted! Behind a piano…it’s L.R. What’s that stand for? I’ll never tell. XOXO
Leah: Are they afraid of his face?
Leah: Jerry Lee Lewis could have drank and drugged Ms. Winehouse under the table back in the day. They just didn’t have tabloids and camera phones in ye olde days of rock’n’roll.
Annie: I bet he’s sad he never got his own Apple commersh.
Leah: Nah, he probably doesn’t like fruit. Just a nice steak. Seriously, they’re avoiding Little Richard like the plague….Here he is! The hair is a wonder. Bangs galore!
Annie: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Leah: Am I wrong in saying this is more like a Hall of Fame ceremony than a Grammys thing at this point?

Leah: A commercial with Brit rockers Art Brut for Sidekick. Almost as random as Cuba Gooding Jr in London. Congrats!
Annie: [has collapsed]

Leah: Will.i.am. Hell to the no on that medley.
Leah: Usher and Quincy Jones to give out the final award of the night, Album of the Year. Kanye’s got his glasses on! Amy’s sitting on the stage! Usher says, “There are no losers in this category, Kanye.”
Annie: …Except if you’re Kanye.
Leah: HOLY CRAP!!! Herbie Hancock just made seven people very rich, and every bookie in Vegas seriously, seriously bummed.
Annie: Look who busted out the giant notecards.
Leah: This is a major shocker, though also a tiny bit not, because this is SO up Grammy voters’ alley. Kanye just passed a spontaneous emotional kidney stone I bet.
Annie: Oh man, those emotional stones are the worst kind!
Annie: They’re cutting him off!
Leah: Harsh toke. And pretty uncouth. Give him his minute, people.

Annie: Speaking of harsh tokes, is this thing over?
Leah: Not until the stars of Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites come out and ice-dance with Mel Torme and the Three Six Mafia, no!
Annie: My bad. My Bad Incarcerated.

Yeah. It was over. ‘Night all! Zzzzzzzz.

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