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Emmys 2017
Every unforgettable moment, every gorgeous dress.Click here

Article

The Super Bowl commercials live-blog

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Horse_l

Horse_l Hey-o, PopWatchers! I’m coming to you live from a backyard in Long Beach, CA where me and 30 of my closest friends (okay, I just met half of them today) are gathered at a ridiculous Super Bowl Party (seriously, they have projection screens set up in their backyard, along with smokers cooking every kind of meat you can imagine) to watch the Patriots take on Eli Manning (or Peyton Manning’s baby brother, as I will refer to him from this point on) and the Giants. Sorry, did I not mention that I was a Pats fan? (I grew up in Boston.) Commence the hating now, Giants fans — and those who just generally despise the Patriots. Nothing you say will make me love Tom Brady and his golden arm any less.

But let’s not get distracted. My job today is to focus on the commercials, although I can’t guarantee I won’t let a few snarky comments fly about the game. So settle in for the next few hours, because I, along with EW.com News Editor Mike Bruno, will be bringing you the lowdown on this year’s Superbowl commericials.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

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The blogging begins after the jump…

6:38 p.m. (EST):

Bud Light: Didn’t DQ and Burger King do a fire-breather thing like this a while back? Somehow, I don’t think PETA is gonna be too happy with this spot… poor kitty.

Audi: Perhaps I’m stupid… but I don’t get it. Yes, I get the reference to The Godfather, but what does that have to do with luxury cars? Yeahhhh.

(On a non-commercial note, who’s going to keep count of how many times they pan to Peyton in the luxury boxes? Don’t you think he’s sitting up there thinking, “That should be ME!!!”?)

6:51 p.m.:

Pepsi: How much money did they spend on the celebrity cameos there? Though I always like a reference to SNL’s “Night at the Roxbury.”

Salesgenie.com: It’s only the first quarter, and already I am sick of salesgenie.com. Bah. Enough already.

Fox for Sarah Connor Chronicles : Even though they just spent probably $2 mil to advertise that show, I’m still not going to be watching. Sorry, Fox.

Bud Light: HA! I know a few guys who would like to use the “cheese trick” for their next dinner party. Classic dude commercial.

6:58 p.m.

Under Armour: Seriously, a group of guys and girls at some sort of “buffed-up athlete” motivational speaker conference? That’s the best you could come up with? I half expected the cast of “300” to show up with their abs of steel and yell, “HOOO-RAH!”

7:03 p.m.

Bridgestone: Screaming animals? Always funny. And I may actually remember that they’re making a point about how good their tires are.

7:08 p.m.

Tide Pen: That was pretty funny, the guy sitting at a job interview with his stain babbling like a dope over all his answers. It wasn’t “outrageous” funny or “trying too hard to be clever funny” — just plain funny. And it hit the spot, too. Uh, so to speak…

7:12 p.m.

First movie ad of the night for Wanted: Oooh, yummy. Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy… this one looks good.

G2 from Gatorade: As a diehard Red Sox fan, I have to say, using the Yankees’ Derek Jeter does not make me want to drink your new fancy-pants sports drink, Gatorade. Oh, and I think I lost the “How many minutes ’til Peyton’s first commercial” pool — I thought it would only be 15 minutes before we saw his mug… Alas.

Go Daddy.com: Weren’t these the big commercials a few years back? I thought they had kinda disappeared. Apparently not. Hmm…

Dell computers: Wow, buying a Dell computer makes girls want to make out with you and people want to follow you around like the paparazzi on Britney Spears. Interesting.

FedEx: Using giant pigeons to deliver packages? I hate to see the mess that would make in the city… Wow, like New York doesn’t have enough problems with rodents and cockroaches — let’s add giant pigeons to the mix!

7:19 p.m.:

Budweiser: The dog-training-a-Clydesdale bit was kinda predictable, but I am a sucker for high-fiving animals.

Movie trailer for Iron Man: Yo, Iron Man looks like kind of a bad-ass, no? Then again, a Rage Against the Machine soundtrack could make Babe the Pig look bad-ass.

7:24 p.m.:

Toyota Corolla: I don’t know why, but I always get a kick out of commercials with animals. Evil badgers — cracks me up. Don’t know what it has to do with cars (well, except to tell you that the Corolla is super quiet), but still.

Movie trailer for Leatherheads:  We’ve got Jim from The Office, George Clooney and Bridget Jones… what’s not to love? Something tells me there are going to be a lot of movie commercials today. Just call it a hunch.

7:27 p.m.:

CareerBuilder.com: Whoa, that’s just kind of nasty, some chick’s heart popping out her chest, walking around the office? I liked those old Career Builder commericals, where they all practiced saying “I quit” in the mirror.

SoBe Life Water: Boy, that was cheesey: dancing lizards. Michael Jackson, Naomi Campbell. And yet… can’t fight… urge to drink… colored… sugar water.

7:33 p.m.

Yukon Hybrid from GMC: Simple and to the point. Nothing flashy. But maybe that’s what they’re trying to say about the SUV hyrbid… it’s not for the bling-bling set.

Bud Light: Oh good lord, Carlos Mencia is back with this “How to speak English” ads. This time it’s “How to pick up chicks.” I’m not gonna lie… I laughed. And that little Indian (Is he Indian? Or have I had too many Super Bowl cocktails?) dude with his “Booood Light” — it may not be politically correct, but he cracks me up.

American Idol: Sorry, Slezak, but I can’t get on the bandwagon. I got no love for Simon, Randy, and Paula. Did you see her (undoubtedly lip-synced) performance earlier? Um… yeah. I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut and leave it at that.

7:40 p.m.

New Narnia movie trailer: About half the audience is really excited right now — you either grew on LOTR or on Narnia. Then again, some people grew up sneaking late-night peaks at Porky’s on cable after their parents were asleep. One of the three.

Planters cashews: Uni-brow mole chick was decent. The bicylcist getting hit by a bus made me laugh. Wait, what was that a commercial for… ?

T-Mobile: Dwyane Wade finally gets in Charles Barkley’s “five” and it’s a royal pain in the butt, cuz really, as funny as he is, nobody wants Barkley calling them at all hours of the night talking about his fat.

7:45 p.m.

Pepsi: Considering the last time Justin Timberlake was at the Super Bowl, he was undressing Janet Jackson, this is a step up for Mr. JT. Plus, Andy Samberg should really be in more commercials. If drinking Pepsi means Justin’s gonna show up in my backyard, please, get me a six-pack immediately!

United Way: Seriously, there really need to be more Tom Brady ads. Whatever he’s selling, I’m buying. Send a text to get kids fit? Sure! Whatever you say, Tommy. 

Doritos: Did that giant rodent remind anyone of the creepy bunny in Donnie Darko? No? Just me. Still funny — I didn’t quite see that coming… figured there’d be some cute little furry mouse.

HALFTIME

8:02 p.m.

NFL Network: Joking about the improbability of Randy Moss getting his act together and Junior Manning being capable of getting to a Super Bowl. And then riffing on the collossal collapse of last year’s NFC champion Chicago Bears this season. It’s funny cuz it’s true. Unless you’re a Chicago fan. Cuz then, it really isn’t.

8:17 p.m.

Fox’s King of he Hill: Fox tried to lure people to King of the Hill by teasing a guest spot from Tom Petty. A strange choice, given that it immediately followed his predictably underwhelming half-time performance (okay, I admit I sang along with “Running Down a Dream”). Petty represents an “American Rocker” type that doesn’t really exist any more, and I can appreciate that. At the same time, it was just plain old boring compared to Prince’s giant-phallus-guitar-in-the-rain set last year.

SECOND HALF

8:38 p.m.

Cars.com: Yay! Dr. Jack Hodgins from Bones! Okay, so I got a little distracted by his cameo to actually pay attention to the commercial. What was this for, again? Something to do with checking out cars ahead of time? I have no idea.

Salesgenie.com: What the hell? “Ling Ling” the panda with a bad, Charlie Chan Chinese accent? We’ll withold comment until after the defamation lawsuit is settled.

Vitamin Water: I have no idea what that commercial has to do with the actual product, but Shaquille O’Neal as a jockey? Hi-larious. Also amusing? The little kid in the stands picking his nose. Kids and animals. And Shaq. You can’t go wrong.

Bud Light: I am *so* over cavemen. I’m not going to lie to you. I just don’t get the appeal. Why is it funny? Someone, please, explain that to me.

Bridgestone: Pretty funny, the guy on a dark road, needs good tires to first dodge a deer, then Alice Cooper creeping in the night, then Richard Simmons inexplicably exercising on the road. Would’ve been funnier if he’d actually picked off Simmons, though… Oh, c’mon. You thought the same thing.

8:45 p.m.

Disney Pixar’s Wall E.: Wait, that robot — was that Number 5 from Short Circuit?

8:53 p.m.

Movie ad for Jumper: I will watch this movie if for nothing else than because of my highly inappropriate crush on Jamie Bell.

E*Trade: Just wouldn’t be a Super Bowl without a talking baby commerical. I wonder when we get the obligatory old-granny-speaks-ebonics spot.

9:06 p.m.

NFL: Chester Pitts, bag-boy turned Super Bowl football player. Cute. Sort of pointless, but sweet.

Jack-in-the-Box: Anyone else think of that SNL skit with Will Farrell and (I think) Rachel Dratch as “The Lovahs?” I don’t think that’s what Jack-in-the-Box wants people to associate with their new steak sandwich, but that’s what I’m coming up with.

Nissan Murano: Not the most exciting ad, but then again, it’s not salesgenie.com, so I’m thankful for small favors.

Coke: Huge parade float versions of Stewie from Family Guy, Under Dog, and Charlie Brown wage an aerial battle over a Coke bottle balloon high above the streets of New York. It’s so like my recurring nightmare, it’s eerie.

9:15 p.m.

Coke: James Carville and Bill Frist make sweet, bipartison nice-nice during a day together in D.C. The “Meet the Press” crowd must’ve been rolling on the floor at that one.

Toyota: Okay, I’m totally starting up a Big Wheel racing league this summer.

9:19 p.m.

Movie ad for You Don’t Mess With the Zohan: Ah, Adam Sandler. Well, at least he’s back to doing dumb comedies. I prefer that to him trying to be a “serious” actor, don’t you?

Fox’s Sarah Connor: Man, Fox really wants this Sarah Connor Chronicles to work out. How much money have they spent advertising this show? Do they get a discount because it’s on their network? And am I the only one who has no desire to watch it? 

E*Trade: I’m sorry, but creepy baby is not making me want to use E*Trade. It’s… creepy. And then you go ahead and add clowns to the mix? What are you trying to do to me?

Taco Bell: I don’t really remember much about the commercial except that I kept thinking, “Isn’t that the El Pollo Loco guy?” Like maybe he’d been typecasted and can only get work with Mexican restaurants.

Gatorade: Okay, love the cool black lab, but (after watching it three times) just don’t get why it’s “man’s best friend” cuz it drinks its water and stands next to bottles of Gatorade. Little help? Anyone?

9:31 p.m.

Bud Light: Will Farrell in tiny basketball shorts being, well, Will Farrell. Well played, Bud Light, well played. That was one of the truly funny commercials tonight. “Bud Light, Suck One.” That might just become my new catchphrase.

Hyundai Genesis: Zzzzzz… After Will Farrell in his tiny shorts, well… it just doesn’t compare.

9:46

Victoria’s Secret: I get what they’re going for — “The game’s almost over, let the real games begin.” But football, beer, and Super Bowl chili are not most ladies’ recipe for love.

Amp: A fat tow truck driver with jumper cables clamped to his nipples, bumping “Push It” on the stereo, chugging a caffeine drink in the desert. Disturbing, yet hilarious. Have no desire to drink Amp, but a strange urge to dig out the Salt ‘N Pepa CD.

Fox’s American Idol: Ben Roethlisberger singing karoake. So many things wrong with this picture. But it was actually pretty funny. I’m still not watching American Idol, though.

10:05 p.m.

Ok, kids. Hope you enjoyed the ads… both good and bad. I’m off now to go wallow in this unbelievably horrible loss on the part of the Patriots (and thus ending their quest for the perfect season. Oh, it hurts. It really does). Someone apparently forgot to tell them that they’re not the Red Sox and they’re not allowed to do this. I blame Gisele, personally. Who does she think she is, Jessica Simpson? Gah.

Let’s plan to meet up next year — same time, same place. Fingers fingers crossed the commercials are better next year.