1 Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail after 48 days
And not one pinky broken? Not one extremity electrocuted? What kind of lousy prison was this?
2 Tom Cruise, Jerry Seinfeld double-date with wives
Afterwards, Seinfeld humorously observed, ”You ever notice how rich people are friends, no matter how seemingly incompatible they are?”
3 Matthew McConaughey’s mom wants the father-to-be to wed
If Matty makes an honest woman of his old lady, Mama McConaughey says there’s a pair of tiny bongos in it for the baby.
4 Kanye West reportedly performs at sweet-16 party
It’s research for his post-Graduation project, Regression.
5 Sarah Michelle Gellar bares all in ad for Vaseline
She claims it’s research for her upcoming role as Ashy the Psoriasis Slayer.
6 Natalie Portman launching line of vegan footwear
Nothing cushions the arches like soy cheese!
7 Dr. Phil McGraw calls his statement on Britney Spears a mistake
As Dr. Phil himself might say, this is the first step to admitting his entire guruhood is a mistake.
8 Lindsay Lohan required to visit morgue as part of DUI plea deal
Sounds like the sentencing judge had to sit through I Know Who Killed Me.
9 Dakota Fanning’s little sister is new Sundance darling
There are six more Fannings on the way. They’re like nested Russian dolls.
10 Survivor winner Yul Kwon reportedly considering a run for U.S. Congress
Survivor: Congress is like the regular Survivor, except the motto is just ”Outlast.” And I don’t think they’re ever going to top the unforgettable ”Strom” season.