Hey there, PopWatchers. It’s Slezak and Annie Barrett here, ready to live-blog a pre-show to an awards show that’s really just a press conference. No couture gowns. No tipsy celebrities. No tepid podium banter. Just the facts, brought to you by Matt Lauer and Kathy Griffin (pictured). Yeah, we’re scared, too. Here goes, anyway…
Slezak: I’m despondent, and not just because snubee Vanessa L. Williams won’t be bringing the sequins and the glamour. In the last 48 hours I’ve seen No Country for Old Men, A Mighty Heart, Eastern Promises, and Michael Clayton. Sobering!
Annie: You’re so cultured! My weekend involved Juno, Atonement, No Country, The Savages, Into the Wild, and the first three minutes of La Vie En Rose before I fell asleep (I think they were awesome!).
Annie: Whoa, Jack Donaghy presents Dateline!
Slezak: Matt Lauer doing news + comedy! Newsedy? Comews?
Annie: I think it’s just “Uh… okay.”
Slezak: Though I have to say, that wasn’t terrible. He’s squeezing blood from a rock, just like us.
Annie: Going for Gold! It’s just like the Olympics.
Slezak: Ugh, and a “Golden Opportunity” to meet the nominees on Dateline.
Annie: If we put the word “gold” in all our sentences, would anyone complain?
Slezak: That would presume people are watching this telecast and reading this blog.
Slezak: Also, I just heard the term “savvy Southern spitfire.”
Annie: Kyra Sedgwick did not just say life would not be worth living without chocolate!
Annie: (I agree!)
Slezak: She did… I am now almost rooting for her because she understands my need for chocolate.
Annie: What’s for dinner, Slezak?
Slezak: Oooh! Husbee is making pork and yam biscuits.
Annie: I’m eating sweet potato soup and spring rolls. Judge me!
Slezak: We’re not even 10 minutes in and we’ve already gone to our fallback topic, food.
Annie: Mmm… he’s the best. Do you like how they’re blatantly panning away so we can see Kyra’s admittedly hot boots?
Slezak: The interviewer just asked her if she felt “reborn” by The Closer. Literally.
Annie: Let’s keep religion out of this, interviewer with inexcusable bangs.
Slezak: James McAvoy is “green” to the ways of Hollywood… good to know he is environmentally friendly. Badum bum! (Sorry!)
Annie: (Don’t do that again.)
Annie: Aw, James and Keira have a “rapport.” This was also evident in the EW.com video in which they kept slapping each other.
Slezak: Why are these sports dudes not mentioning Denzel and Johnny Depp are in different categories?
Annie: WTF is this? We’re live-blogging this because we don’t like watching sports.
Slezak: Hello! there is some kind of football game on right now on a competing network, no?
Annie: Oh look, someone named “yssys” is reading this! This is for you!
Slezak: I haven’t seen Great Debaters yet. The Globes are so damn early this year, who’s had time to see everything? Isn’t that annoying?
Slezak: Is Matt Lauer afraid of Russell Crowe?
Annie: I’m afraid of Russell Crowe.
Slezak: It’s like he wants to ask about the cellphone incident, but he’s debating if he’s gonna get popped in the mouth.
Annie: When Matt touches his ear like that when asking a question, you know that means, “Security, come closer.”
Slezak: This telecast is not leaving a cliché unturned.
Annie: Russell just pushed his glass of water towards Matt!
Slezak: Booo! I hate when actors say things like “I love all his roles.” You know each of them has a favorite!
Slezak: I had a second there on that “after the break” where I thought it was Matt Damon interviewing Shatner. I didn’t actually see that, did I?
Annie: I kind of hope you did!
Slezak: BONIVA! This product and Sally Field are forever linked for me, and it makes me want a prescription, even though I am a 35-year-old male.
Annie: Oh, I’m with you on Sally Field. Whenever I read her name, I hear her voice saying “Boniva.”
Slezak: The ad says nothing about men not being able to take it, only people who experience problems sitting down or standing up.
Annie: Who is that dude with Shat? He looks like one of the Boston Legal lawyers. Brad Chase. This is weird. Brad never gets to smoke on the roof with Denny.
Slezak: It’s To Catch a Predator guy!
Annie: Kathy Griffin’s hair is literally the same color as fire.
Slezak: She’s a fiery redhead! (That should maybe be said in an Irish accent?)
Annie: I’m Irish but i can’t pull that off. You try it, you Eastern European-of-some-sort (?) wonder.
Slezak: Wanda Sykes for Applebee’s! Do you know she is one of my “default voices” when I get tipsy and want to boss my husband around?
Annie: That’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever read. So who’s he, to complete the role-reversal… Betty White?
Slezak: Chris Meloni’s The More You Know: All I got from that is that he is hella hot. (If my husband is reading this, I said that in my Wanda Sykes voice.)
Annie: Chris Meloni just reminds me of Marky Mark from The Comeback, and I get wistful.
Slezak: Yay! Comeback reference No. 1.
Slezak: OOOH! Do you know Medium is one of my very most favorite shows?
Annie: I love that she just admitted she was psyched there was no ceremony so she didn’t have to get a dress!
Slezak: I love that she did not lose weight for this role. Like, WHY would she lose weight? She’s beautiful!
Slezak: I hope Kathy Griffin’s good here.
Slezak: Uh-oh. Freshly Botoxed and a puke joke, not exactly fresh stuff.
Annie: What’s wrong with being gay or being in a very troubled relationship?
I call that LIVIN’.
Annie: This segment is dumb.
Slezak: I am not laughing, and I’m a Kathy Griffin fan. Although this Johnny Depp in costume bit is spot-on.
Annie: (I’m going to flip the channel in a minute, FYI.) Kathy’s only funny when she’s making fun of herself. Her making fun of other people is just ludicrous.
Slezak: Where are you flipping to? Don’t tell me you’re gonna watch Sarah Connor Chronicles!
Annie: I’m watching Sarah and John Connor racing out of a library. Oh it’s SO GOOD! So good, Slezak. How’s Kathy Griffin?
Slezak: Noooooo! You have to stay here and suffer with me!
Annie: She just whacked the hell out of that dude!
Annie: Everyone’s wearing shades! And shooting each other! Anything good on your show?
Slezak: I just saw an amazing commercial for Always maxipads. I am not even kidding. It made me a little emotional. I think their Web site is protectingfutures.com.
Annie: “Oh John… John… John… kill me! Nothing matters anymore.”
Annie: Lena Headey has incredible thighs.
Slezak: You need to come back now.
Annie: Fine. I’m back.
Slezak: Yes! They are explaining what Entourage is. Thoughtful!
Slezak: Oh Jeremy, please go bald and be the sexy man I know you can be when you defeat your raging insecurities.
Annie: DITTO. His hair looks crappy. Shave it off!
Slezak: These actors ALL need to learn from Bruce Willis… he does it right.
Annie: These interviews are redefining the word “banal.”
Slezak: My husband just yelled the word “painful!” and left the room.
Annie: Send him to protectingfutures.com
Slezak: Except I am using the computer AND the TV. It’s totally grounds for divorce.
Annie: This is hein.
Slezak: I just muted this ad break. I should heave muted Tiki and friends, too.
Annie: Crap, my cable is all pixelated right now. I think it’s the impending nor’easter. Or just common sense by my DVR. (Seriously Slezak, I’m getting like 50 percent of the telecast.)
Slezak: You should hug your DVR.
Annie: We were already intimate twice today… I’m surprised it’s acting out like this.
Slezak: I loved that moment in Enchanted where the pigeon eats the cockroach.
Annie: Ooh, interviewer “went there” with the Hooters dig. She’s like The N.
Slezak: I love the way the interview assumed she was ashamed of that job. Whoops! Wrong! (The N, like the place that plays DeGrassi?)
Annie: Yeah, haven’t you seen their promos that say “The N. It goes there.”
Slezak: The reference was lost on me, but that is a good tagline!
Annie: “Slezak. He goes there.“
Slezak: Oh, snap!
Slezak: And as if this Dateline special wasn’t interminable enough, now we have to look forward to Billy Bush for the press conference.
Slezak: Oh no, PopWatchers, Annie had to go reboot her uncooperative cable. Me, I’m just excited the producers managed to reference Fergie’s “Glamorous” in this Nikki Blonsky piece. Gwen Stefani’s “Wind It Up,” not so much.
Slezak: Nikki Blonsky is adorable, but a teenager should not be allowed to express relief that she “Finally found what I want to do in life.”
Annie: Wow, I always wanted to tour MTV studios with Nikki Blonsky.
Slezak: I always wanted to be a guest (or an audience member) on Martha Stewart. Also: ANNIE’S BACK!
Annie: Mmmm… turkey sandwich.
Annie: Is Matt Lauer’s backdrop killing me softly with its fabulousness or what?
Slezak: John Travolta wore a DRESS in Hairspray? OMG, I did not know that. Thank you sports doods!
Annie: I wish they were on hand tomorrow when you and I get to battle Wolf and Crush from American Gladiators IN OUR OFFICE!
Slezak: OH YEAH BABY! (PopWatchers…yes, that actually is going to happen…more deets in the week ahead.)
Annie: It’s really weird to see Ellen’s hair out of her signature pony.
Slezak: OOOH! Ponies!
Annie: Sorry, it’s kind of hard to read you. I’m on my hamburger computer.
Slezak: This NBC correspondent looks just like Candis Cayne from Dirty Sexy Money.
Annie: She does! (I love that you knew how to spell her first AND last names.)
Annie: When does William Baldwin come crash this interview?
Slezak: Also, what is The Right Road for Young People?
Annie: Not October Road.
Slezak: Definitely not (although Mandi Bierly loves that show a little). Not Road Rules Challenge either.
Annie: I think it’s the Talking Heads’ “Road to Nowhere” on a loop.
Slezak: You ever see Arlington Road? I loved that movie!
Annie: Me too!
Slezak: Sally Field, the self-proclaimed Hannah Montana of her day!
Annie: Oh my God… it’s so weird to see Sally Field bopping around a teenager’s bedroom, so many decades away from needing/promoting Boniva.
Slezak: Can you imagine if in 40 years, Miley Cyrus is a powerhouse TV Star and Oscar Winner?
Annie: She’ll be promoting Zinc tablets or some s—.
Slezak: I like that they’re discussing Sally’s bleeped Emmy speech with some degree of intelligence and thoughtfulness. But she’s pretty awesome.
Slezak: Matt Lauer’s use of “dusty closet for bygone actresses” reminds me of “musty claptrap” on Arrested Development.
Annie: The… cabin!
Slezak: THEY’RE DISCUSSING BONIVA!
Annie: OMG THEY’RE DISCUSSING BONIVA!
Annie: This interview is our dream come true.
Slezak: My dream come true would be a dance remix of Sally Field’s “Hava Nagila.” And that’s a wrap! Let’s start a new blog item on the actual awards…come follow us, PopWatchers!