1. Kanye West’s home burglarized
The thieves didn’t appear to take anything — in fact, they dropped off two more Kardashians.
2. Madonna flashes butt in Rome after showing nipple in Istanbul
Hold on, lemme spin this globe while flipping to a random page in Gray’s Anatomy to predict the next one…Hmmm, I didn’t even know humans had that body part, but Tokyo, I suggest you shield your eyes immediately.
3. Kevin Costner victorious over Stephen Baldwin in oil-cleanup lawsuit
Which means he is now officially a member of the exclusive OMB Club: Win an Oscar, marry a model, defeat a Baldwin brother in court.
4. R. Kelly owes $4.8 million in taxes
The IRS grew suspicious when it caught wind of one of his new demos for ”I Believe I Can Lie (W-2 Remix).”
5. Richie Sambora, Denise Richards confirm split a week after CMT Music Awards
I really thought they’d at least make it until the VH1 Revolver Golden Gods Awards.
6. Charlie Sheen says his FX comedy Anger Management is his ”swan song”
That pretty much syncs up with what most people have in their office pool, too.
7. AC/DC’s Brian Johnson says he’s been suffering burns for 30 years by cannon explosions during live performances of ”For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)”
You should see Joe Elliott’s dental bill after 25 years of singing ”Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
8. CBS buys game-show adaptation of Draw Something from Ryan Seacrest Productions
(Picture slowly forms of tiny stick-figure man hoisting giant money bag onto pile of other giant money bags.)
9. Andrew W.K. to host panel ”What Would Pinkie Pie Do?” at My Little Pony convention in Ohio
He’ll be speaking under his new name, Andrew WTF.