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The Public Eye

TV's funniest lines of 2007

Here are the funniest TV lines of the year, as chosen by EW.com voters in our weekly Sound Bites polls

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Steve Carell, The Office
The Office: Justin Lubin

January

”Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Britney Spears’ manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Year’s Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Year’s Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said, ‘Countin’ is hard!”’
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Five of us transferred from Stamford. There’s two of us left — me and Karen. It’s like we’re touring Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I’m not falling in a chocolate river.”
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE

”During an interview with 60 Minutes on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, ‘We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.’ Said the Iraqi people, ‘We’ve been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.”’
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”Things are heating up between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, with Simpson accompanying Mayer for part of his tour in Florida. Mayer is working on a new song called ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland, and Your Brain Is a Wind Tunnel.”’
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

February

”Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, ‘Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she’ll be the worst president we’ve ever seen.’ After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘Wait a minute, I’m not finished yet.”’
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Senator Obama is not the first African American to run for president, but he’s the first African American to have a prayer. Which is ironic, since two of the others were reverends.”
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

”I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), WHO THINKS JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI) IS TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE, ON THE OFFICE

”Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.”
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TO LIZ (TINA FEY), ON 30 ROCK

March

”She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, gave birth to her third in Namibia, and now from Vietnam. She’s working her way down the alphabet. Stay cool, Yemen, she’s coming.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ANGELINA JOLIE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

”A sport without black people ain’t a sport. That’s just a game!… That’s like me saying, ‘Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.’ What kind of crap is that? ‘I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!”’
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH’S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW

”The California legislature announced that they have moved their state’s presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, ‘Because it’s really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say ‘February.”’
CONAN O’BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

”Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy.”
CONAN O’BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

April

”Disney’s making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was.”
‘SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT’ LARRY WILMORE, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

”I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least, it’s bisexual.”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN’S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE

”If someone gives you 10,000-to-one [odds] on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.”
KEVIN (BRIAN BAUMGARTNER), ON THE OFFICE

”In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don’t ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

May

”Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.”
THE PETITE-SIZE ANGELA (ANGELA KINSEY), DISCUSSING HER SHOPPING HABITS, ON THE OFFICE

”One of the most popular gifts for high school graduates this year is a gift certificate for plastic surgery. Apparently, the gift certificate is a perfect way to tell a recent graduate that you can be anything you want to be but not with that giant honker.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE

”It’s like Regis Philbin…sunny and 84.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, NOTING THE GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK, ON THE LATE SHOW

June

”They got the name 300 by measuring how gay it was on a scale from 1 to 10.”
HOST SARAH SILVERMAN, ON THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS

”Earlier tonight, after serving eight years in jail, assisted-suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, ‘I swear, he was like that when I got here.”’
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Today the Olsen twins turned 21 years old, which means they’re now old enough to drink. Still no word on when they’ll be old enough to eat.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don’t believe in evolution. On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.”
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

NEXT: More bites!

July

”I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penguin.”
CRAIG FERGUSON, EXPLAINING WHY HE DIDN’T WATCH THE LIVE EARTH CONCERTS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

”This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. For the 5,000th year in a row, burkhas are in.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Here’s exciting news for New York City: Pope Benedict will be visiting New York City in the spring…. And the good news is he’s bringing his wife, Posh Benedict.”
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW

”Barry Bonds is only three home runs away from becoming the all-time home-run king, and when it happens, I just hope he doesn’t get a big head.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

August

”But here are the terms of the divorce settlement: Britney gets the house, Kevin gets the cash, and the kids get the car.”
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW

”It pains me to say this, but a tip of the hat to The New York Times. This week, America’s most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 and a half inches to 12. I haven’t seen that much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing.”
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT

”Well, we did it, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.”
U-TURN’S HO, AFTER FORCING SANJAY (MAULIK PANCHOLY), A GAY MAN, TO HAVE SEX, ON WEEDS

”Here’s a fascinating story: there’s a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing — typing — the numbers ‘one’ to ‘one million.’ Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers ‘one,’ starting out with ‘o-n-e,’ fifteen years, ‘one’ to ‘one million’ — and, guess what, girls? He’s single.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

September

”My idea of getting lucky in the men’s room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

”You won’t be single much longer.”
ELLEN DEGENERES TO GUEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AFTER HE DEMONSTRATED SOME TONGUE TRICKS, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

”Sometimes when we’re rolling around in the jungle in the mud and we’re hitting each other and stabbing each other and shooting each other and they’re pouring on the blood and turning on the sprinklers, I wonder what it would be like to bake up a sheet of cookies on Wisteria Lane. And get one of their checks.”
LOST‘S TERRY O’QUINN, DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES AT THE EMMYS

”He taught me how to drive-by.”
NANCY (MARY-LOUISE PARKER), AT THE FUNERAL OF HER FORMER DRUG-DEALING PARTNER U-TURN, ON WEEDS

October

”It’s been reported that Britney Spears recently asked a paparazzi photographer to go into a store and buy her a tampon. The photographer said it was a great opportunity to finally give something back to the vagina that’s given so much.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”O.J. Simpson is claiming that a Rolex watch he was ordered to turn over to authorities is a fake. However, O.J. did offer to search for the real Rolex.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.”
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE

”Former ‘N Sync member Lance Bass says that before he announced that he was gay, he thought that Justin Timberlake and one of the other guys in ‘N Sync were also gay. When asked why he thought that they were gay, Bass said, ‘They were members of ‘N Sync.”’
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”Dear Lord: Please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.”
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), PRAYING TO BE KIND TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), ON MY NAME IS EARL

November

”You can not take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary — the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER LEARNING THAT STANLEY (LESLIE DAVID BAKER) MIGHT BE CHANGING BRANCHES, ON THE OFFICE

”We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race.”
KATE, ONE HALF OF THE LESBIAN MINISTER COUPLE, ON THE AMAZING RACE

”Be with me, C.C. We’ll ignore our differences until the sex goes bad, and then we’ll walk away bitter and angry.”
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TRYING TO WOO CELESTE (EDIE FALCO), ON 30 ROCK

”Someone will be here to save the master race soon enough.”
DR. BAILEY (CHANDRA WILSON), TO A NEO-NAZI PATIENT REQUESTING A NONBLACK DOCTOR, ON GREY’S ANATOMY

December

”Well, I adore ’em. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.”
BETTY WHITE, DISCUSSING HER LEGION OF DEDICATED FANS, ON UGLY BETTY

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